“Transmorphers” can be found in the new release section of your local video store, right next to “Tranformers”. Every time I walk by it, I share “Transmophers” like my own son wrote it. Why- because it is the perfect example of my all time favorite genre of film: movies that are designed purely to be rented on accident. Movies that are just one letter, one costume change, or one missing actor away from being the title you meant to see. Block Blunders, as I refer to them. They age better than an Oscar winner, as they are, in fact, the most ‘Hollywood’ of all movies. No studio has ever cared about making art, but the guys behind these movies don’t even care if people watch the movie- they only want your money.

And it will work- people will watch these movies. Why- because the people who make these movies prey upon a single, unchanging fact: married people can not remember a single detail about movies. I’ve been married less than a year and have already rented three movies we own. Last week, I wanted to rent “Be Kind Rewind”, but kept calling it “Late Fees”, when talking to the clerk. Increasingly, I’m finding people just react to me with complete puzzlement when I describe movies, which marks you as ‘married’ more obviously than a ring.

So, I’m slowly becoming the exact type of person that makes these movies possible, but, before I descend into complete, movie-going senility, I’d like to share a few insights to my favorite genre. Thusly I present, the four major schools of Block Blunders:

4) The Front Cover Mixup:

This con targets, almost exclusively, moms who were sent to rent a movie by their son. As the producers of these movies know, moms pickup movies like they are a bottle of wine, grabbing the first thing that looks even vaguely familiar Thus, if you can just catch their eye and hint that this is the same movie their kid was just talking about- you have them, hook, line and sinker. Unfortunately, this approach –while hilarious– makes the front cover mixup the most mean spirited of all block blunders, as angst-ridden, teen age sons often react explosively when mom returns with a copy of “Devil Youth”, rather than “Hell Boy”. In fact, 90 % of all men made mom cry for the first time after a front cover mixup, which is why this swindle is often referred to as “The Weilheim”, a rough acronym for “What The Hell Is This Mom?”

3) Make Him Bigger

These movies are more American than a pickup truck, as they follow the premier, US business plan: just offer a bigger version. Do not waste time dreaming of a new product- just add another beef pattie and start selling. In fact, these movies are born purely in the board room, with lines like, “if people liked a movie with an alligator, they will go fucking nuts for the Loch Ness Monster!”

The problem with these movies is, they assume that Americans are smart enough to realize the new villain is bigger- a huge risk. There are about 30 people in this country –all tour guides– who actually know that an orca is larger than a shark. Consequently these movies (’arc films’, as I call them) often waste the entire front cover on pure animal facts, like “is actual the world’s largest predator” or “much more likely to carry rabies”.

2) The Verbal Slip Up

The most brazen of all Block Blunders- a straight, three card monty trick that probably doesn’t even have a minute of film inside the box. Renting these movies is like discovering the nice guy on the train just ran off with your wallet- they genuinely prey upon inattentive consumers. But, like all swindles, it’s hilarious when it’s happening to some one else. From the hoodwinked titles to the suspicious press quotes: these movies have the funniest front covers in the business. Unlike the normal Hollywood bomb, which can just put a Maxim quote on the front cover, these movies have never been seen before. Therefore these movies –needing a positive review for the front cover– just put quoatation marks around abstract sentances, e.g. “Many people still ride Trains!” or “Robots require software”.

Author’s Disclaimer: I am in the process of getting several Verbal Slip Up movies green light. As a friendly warning to my readers, the titles include: “This Country is not for Old People”, “Latin American Pirates”, and “Melquiades Estrada has been Buried a Lot”. Please rent carefully.

1) Statute of Limitations

A block blunder with full, diplomatic immunity. Copy right laws expire after 70 years, meaning, if a studio decides to film a classic piece of literature, any one with a camera can release the same exact movie:

These movies know they can not be punished. They are the celluloid equivalent of a cop’s daughter and, accordingly, they are called an “Irish Princess” in most circles. Because of this impunity, the Irish Princess is the greatest of all block blunders since it can actually impact Hollywood. Warner Brothers does not need to worry about another cyborg ripoff of “Terminator”. But, it does need to worry about a line-for-line copy of “Beowulf”, which is why –when ever Hollywood now films a classic book– it uses trick animation or invents its own title:

My prediction is: within five years Hollywood will resort to basing the entire movie off of a completely trivial character within the book, in much the same way that “Teen Wolf Too” was based off of that fat kid after no one else would re-sign. I, personally, can not wait for “Owl Eyes: the one guy who attended Gatsby’s funeral” (summer of 2012, filmed entirely in IMAX).

The all-time-greatest All Stars of jack ass baseball:

• Ed Delahanty: arguably the best hitter of the 1800s (hit over .400 three times). His playing career abruptly ended after he died trying to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
• Rube Waddell: perhaps the most talented left-handed pitcher in baseball history, despite a complete lack of common sense. He drank so heavily, his manager refused to pay him in increments greater then $10, after Waddell missed most of his first three seasons on drinking binges. To recoup the difference, Waddell offered to wrestle any animal for money, receiving most of his income in alligator fights. He rarely finished games, often running after fire trucks in mid-pitch and stopping to play with children. Opposing managers discovered his fascination with “shinny things” and routinely distracted him with toys, a particularly successful strategy since he often pitched drunk and once even passed out on the pitching mound. He contracted pneumonia after building a damn without wearing shoes and died at 35.
• Bid McPhee: often cited as the greatest second baseman of the 19th century, he played his entire career without a glove even though they were used by all other fielders of the time. He considered gloves to be feminine and, instead, soaked his hands in salt water to “toughen them up”.
• Lou Novikoff: a confessed botanophobe who lacked the courage to even approach plants, Novikoff was, amazingly, drafted by the Cubs for the outfield in Wrigley Field- where he was immediately despised for never even attempting to catch balls that neared the ivy walls. Additionally, his wife attended each game and, according to teammates, “hated the man“, loudly and awkwardly heckling him each time he batted. Despite having poor speed, he often attempted to steal bases in order to distance himself from his wife’s angry screaming.
• Cool Papa Bell: a Negro league star who claimed to be the fastest man on the planet. He often complained of running into his own hits, since he traveled faster then the ball and told roommates that he could “turn off the lights and reach the bed before it got dark”.
• Steve Dalkowski: owned both the greatest fastball and worst command ever seen in baseball. Dalkowski regularly pitched at speeds beyond 105 Mph, but enjoyed zero major league success since he walked over a batter an inning and was a violent alcoholic who may have been mentally handicapped. He once struck out 24 batters in a game (a professional record), but lost 8-4 after issuing 18 walks, six wild pitches and four hit-batsmen.
• Steve Sparks: a former All Star who’s career collapsed after separating both shoulders while attempting to motivate his team by tearing a phone book in half.
• Darren Daulton: one of the best catchers of the last decade, Daulton now claims to travel through time and command the ability to leave his own body. Daulton, who is particularly fond of visiting the Dutch Enlightenment, discovered these talents after singling down the third base line at Wrigley Field one day, saying “I never single down the third base line, so clearly it was not me who hit the ball”, but, rather, a separate person from the fifth dimension. His wife, who has filed for divorce, considers Daulton insane, but he replies, “she just doesn’t understand metaphysics”.

This list was originally written for a separate comedy website that was asking comics to contribute their collection of favorite baseball players. My list has only one player that was repeated by other comics: Rickey Henderson. Other people have Rickey Henderson since he is the greatest leadoff hitter in baseball history. I have him on my list because Henderson has the most hilarious speech patterns and bizzare behavior in modern baseball:

• Henderson refers to himself in third person, not only in interviews (”that’s not how Rickey swings”) but also in conversation, once begning a phone message for Padres GM Kevin Towers with, “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey”.
• He talks to his bats and refers to them as “bad boys”- commonly asking, “which of you bad boys has a hit in ya?”
• he contracted frost bite after falling asleep on an ice pack.
• The Oakland Athletics couldn’t account for a one million dollar revenue surplus during his MVP season- it was later discovered that Henderson framed his bonus without cashing it.

Can read text blog on this topic here.

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produced by
The Visitors Locker Room

written and co-directed by
Ryan Ridley

directed by
Jordan Vogt-Roberts

starring

Matt Braunger Brady Novak TJ Miller Kyle Kinane Eric Acosta

Jenny Flack Danny Jelinek Mark Teich Eric Price

]]> http://visitorslockerroom.com/2008/06/21/illegal-use-of-hands/feed/ http://visitorslockerroom.com/2008/06/20/comcast-apology/ http://visitorslockerroom.com/2008/06/20/comcast-apology/#comments Fri, 20 Jun 2008 08:21:06 +0000 The VLR http://visitorslockerroom.com/2008/06/20/comcast-apology/ Comcast apologizes over vague joke about the blue berry harvest. Philadelphia sports writer Bill Conlin received an email question from Raul. Conlin joked that the question was not important enough for Raul to “leave the blue berry harvest”. No one is real sure what that meant, but Comcast issued an immediate apology, on the very next show.

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Why does Gatorade continue to market itself as a ‘performance booster’ to the fifty Americans still playing tackle football, when everyone I know purchases it as a hangover cure? Gatorade: your product is typically bought by a person still wearing a stamp from McSurly’s Tavern- you don’t need to rebuild the Six Million Dollar Man as a probowl quarterback in your commercials. I don’t care how many “sporting scientists” Gatorade employs, their beverage hasn’t been used in an athletic event by any one I know since fifth grade soccer. An immigrant clerk, with no exposure to America beyond a 7-11 cash register, probably thinks Gatorade is manufactured by Budweiser as alcoholic alternative to coffee, rather then a workout drink. I can’t, for example, run to firstbase without grasping for air, yet I probably consume more Gatorade then the Yankees. In fact, I absorb Gatorade so regularly when hungover, that you can virtually graph my alcohol consumption from the previous night, based upon how much Gatorade I bought, and when I bought it:

Bottle	Jug	Powder
If I purchased the small, ergonomic bottle, my hangover is rather mild and doesn’t require immediate attention. This item is rarely combined with additional purchases and is bought during the first commercial break. It implies that I stopped drinking by the third inning and was home by ten on the previous night.	Purchased from the nearest gas station, the moment I wake up. If I’m buying a jug, every promise I made before going out on the previous night has been broken. I have an easier time gripping a basketball then these containers and they are sealed tighter then pain killers, so –if I’m buying one– my throat isn’t even damp enough to swallow aspirin without it. This purchase implies that I probably spent last night ordering shots by nickname (”Need some So ‘Cos over here!”), left my final bar after failing to recognize a single person (despite starting the night with a group of 20 friends) and ate an item off every single section of the Waffle House menu. This article is invariably purchased with some heartburn medicine.	If I ever return with the powder used to make entire coolers, then the credit card is maxed-out, I have no idea where the car is parked and my cellphone is probably on a flight to Dallas. My body has at least one fake tattoo on it and no one can explain why my right elbow doesn’t work. This item is normally purchased after borrowing money from the stranger on my couch. It is rarely combined with other products, but, instead, phone calls to make sure my health insurance is active and my old roommate is still a lawyer.

I am convinced, at some point in the future, a half-drunk advertising executive is going to recognize how often people buy Gatorade for hangovers and repackage the drink to outsell milk. If I owned a Blockbuster, I’d immediately offer a “hangover-IT!” option, which includes four Gatorades, a bottle of aspirin and pepperoni pizza with your rental. Plus, my Gatorade would be served in a pouch version, like Hi-C, so you can still open it after slamming your hand in a taxi door the previous night. Sure, Derrick Jeter would immediately resign as my spokesman, but I’d make enough money to buy IBM after Halloween weekend alone.

Audio of segement- here

The modern stadium has turned live games into a complete sensory assault- it’s like being at a mall during Christmas. Miniature blimps now fly overhead, dumping coupons on to fans; hot dogs are shot out of a gun; and the official’s sponsor’s “Fan-o-rometer” explodes louder than a train crash after each strike. It’s a near Normandy Invasion of marketers, with no calming moments.

The ads and gimmicks are so intrusive, it’s as if baseball thinks the sport itself is too boring to engage fans. In their view: no one wants to watch two small market pitchers out-duel each other, so let’s just build a water park to keep the fans engaged. These places even look like amusement parks as you drive closer, with rides and giant Coke bottles being the first thing you see over the horizon. Immediately, your kids –as though you are going to Disney World– start nagging about which rides they want try first. Every section is named after a different sponsor and you half expect to reach your seats through a tour boat, like a roofless Epcot Center. The whole game is spent in line, with your kid tugging at your shirt, like you are waiting to see Santa Clause rather than get a crack at the Pontiac Pitch Speed Machine.

There is no regard for the history of the game. Larry Doby broke the AL color barrier and gets a small plaque. Pepsi gets a three story statue. Last year, baseball wanted to put Spider Man ads on the bases. What’s next: actually dressing each player in full costume? Dereck Jeter, dressed as The Hulk, faces off against Randy Johnson, who’s wearing an Indiana Jones costume despite being seven feet tall?

“Who won the game?”

“I have no idea, but Batman is coming out in two weeks and every one in the bleachers gets free, Starbucks coffee tomorrow.”

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