Several of the terrible NFL teams are in danger of continuing down the road of putridness because they listen to Phil Simms. The current lead analyst on CBS and former NFL quarterback has been on an odd mission to downplay the talent of next year’s #1 pick Andrew Luck. He says that the hype is too much for him and that Luck doesn’t have a strong arm.
“There’s not a lot of rotation on the ball and there’s not a tremendous amount of power. It sure helps when you can do that because there are four or five plays a game where it is about arm strength.”
I am on Showtime
Phil did not stop there, and went even further by flat out making up news. With the Indianapolis Colts the favorites to get Luck, Simms tried to tell people that they would not take him because Peyton Manning himself would veto the selection.
“There is no way if Peyton Manning is given a clean bill of health that he is going to let them draft Andrew Luck.”
How is he going to do that Phil? He just will. Okay. And did Peyton tell you this? Because you know, we can ask him, we are actually trained in the reporting of news buisness. Of course the media didn’t happen to take Phil on his word and followed up by asking Peyton if there is any truth to it. His response via Philip B. Wilson at IndyStar.com:
“I don’t talk to Phil. Phil doesn’t talk to me. He did text me after that, saying ‘Hey, sorry to drag your name into this.’ I wrote back, ‘Phil I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ He said, ‘Well on my show, Inside the NFL, I made this statement.’ I said, ‘Phil, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t watch your show, along with a lot of other people that I don’t think watch that show.
That’s a great text. Imagine being Peyton Manning and seeing a text coming in from Phil Simms with all of the T-9 word misspellings and all. ”Hey Peyton, b reddy , sum guys mite b coming 2 ask ewe about things I said on Showtime. Shouldnt b a big deal, just how Andrew Luck isn’t any good and you r more powerful than your owner- sry” Great job Phil, on to the bombs.
Arizona -2 vs. St. Louis : The Rams shocked everyone last Sunday when they crushed the Saints to get their first victory of the year, and people demanded an explanation. They were 14 point underdogs , and looked like the worst team in football for 7 straight weeks. Now all of a sudden, they are going to decide to lambaste a great New Orleans team? Why? Tony LaRussa, that is why.
The St Louis Cardinals just won an improbable World Series on Friday, and they came by on Sunday for more accolades. The national media tried to say the Rams were inspired by seeing LaRussa and the Cardinals at their game. They were half right. LaRussa and the Cardinals were not there in support of the Rams, they were there to show off and rub in the fact that they are champions of that city.
I have won more World Series than you have games
The sight of LaRussa in their own Rams jersey enraged them to such a point that the Saints had no chance. Once again LaRussa willed another team to victory through sheer prickdom. Tony LaRussa is best friends with fellow jerk Bobby Knight. That fact alone makes him an even bigger bastard than Knight.
This Sunday, there will be no evil enemy for the Rams to rely on to get them to perform at a superhuman level. Additionally, the Arizona got a lucky break last week when their terrible starting quarterback, Kevin Kolb, got hurt. If backup John Skelton is faltering this Sunday, then they can always bring out John McCain for that motivational boost. Bottom Line: Arizona -2
3 bombs!!
Denver +8.5 @ Oakland: The Broncos got what they wanted last week, which was a complete humiliation of Saint H-Back Tim Tebow. He was stripped of his clothes and stoned up and down the field by the Lions in front of all his followers. Some of the disciples are crying foul claiming their coach, John Fox, intentionally sabotaged the game by not calling plays that fits Tebow’s style. I don’t know if I would go that far, but I do know he enjoyed it.
Getting a real kick out of this Tebow thing
Denver was down 45-10 with 5 minutes remaining and had the ball for what one would think would be garbage time of running the clock out. Coach Fox would have none of it. He called time out after time out, to fully extend the bludgeoning of Tebow. Reporters asked why in Tebow’s name would he call timeouts with minutes to go and down by 30:
“Well,’’ Fox said, “last week it was 15.’’
He was going to smile through all 12 stages of the Cross and show no mercy to his mortal enemy, who is also his own quarterback.
Meanwhile in Oakland, there is a different kind of sabotaging going on. The Raiders are in the opposite end where their organization is completely behind the quarterback but he does not want to play at all. The Raiders mortgaged their future to trade for disgruntled and injured quarterback Carson Palmer.
Palmer has been retired from football, passing on millions of dollars for the freedom to not have to live in Ohio. He was just fine not playing football, but the Raiders insisted he get off the couch and quarterback their team. Palmer obliged, but he was not happy about it.
“I didn’t know the offense, I also hadn’t been training and working out. So it was a complete shock to me at halftime when [Coach Jackson] told me, ‘Hey, you know we’re going to get you in, in the third quarter.
I was very uncomfortable and obviously not ready or prepared, but it’s a game of unknowns, it’s a game of having game plans when you go in and things change. My game plan was not to play but I ended up playing.”
Carson Palmer is great. I like the actual game plan was to not play the game. Several doctors have recommended that he have Tommy John elbow surgery, but he refuses. Palmer is complete content with being a 6 foot 5 Chad Pennington even if no one else will listen to him.
This game of dual sabotage has the potential to be a favorite this Sunday as far as pure chaos goes, so lets just take the points: Bottom Line: Denver +8.5
2 bombs!!
New England -9 vs New York Giants: Speaking of teams that are completely disinterested in their success, the Giants are now 5-2. They are in first place in their division and they could not be more upset about it. They tried to lose to Arizona and Miami but those teams were so bad that they wouldn’t let them off the hook.
The players are now beginning to take matters into their own hands by getting hurt on their off days and setting their own recovery timetable. Hakeem Nicks, their star wide receiver, hurt his leg last week and had this to say about when he plans on returning:
“I’m just kind of like taking it easy,” Nicks said. “I’ll probably just get some running around Saturday, just see how it feels.”
Hey Hakeem, do you know the game is on Sunday buddy and your playing the Patriots? Yeah, Sunday isn’t really good for me. Okay, well take it easy man.
The Giants beat the Dolphins in an unspectacular game and their starting running back Ahmad Bradshaw also got injured. Reserve back Brandon Jacobs was especially awful in relief. He only got 10 yards and was booed throughout the day. He also did not seem to mind, not because the team won which I’m sure he did not even notice, but well he’ll tell you:
Got a fast ass ride
“I’ve got nothing positive to say,” Jacobs said. “The most positive thing: I got family at home and I got a fast-ass car being delivered on Tuesday. That’s it.”
His agent informed him that rubbing in how rich he is to common people that pay money to see him isn’t the best PR move in the world, especially since he is starting this week. He tried to backtrack which led to even better results:
“Not everybody likes their job,” Jacobs said his wife told him. “The guy that works at Verizon doesn’t want to go in every day, but he sucks it up and sells his cell phones. So you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”
Oh boy.
The Patriots got beat up pretty bad by the Steelers last Sunday showing major flaws in their secondary, luckily the Giants don’t care. Bottom Line: New England -9
2 bombs!!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
San Diego +5.5 vs Green Bay: The best part of Phillip Rivers’ mediocre performance during the first half of the season, is listening to people try to explain it. They use vague terms that mean nothing like “Rivers just isn’t clicking right now, he has lost his moxie, his chutzpah, you know…. ‘it’”
Advocates of Rivers claim conspiracies of undisclosed injuries and missed timing due to the lockout. They never admit the one thing, that football like most sports, is a game of chance where a ball could happen to bounce in an odd direction. The Christian Laettner of the NFL
Rivers was leading the Chargers to a comeback win last Monday when he fumbled the game away taking a routine snap exchange. If that didn’t happen, everyone would of remembered him for throwing for almost 400 yards. There is nothing wrong with him, sometimes great things don’t always happen.
The truth is we always wanted to hate Phillip Rivers, and this year a bouncing ball is allowing it. He has always been the fake over the top screaming athlete that isn’t really athletic, just highly skilled at something that is so easy to hate. Not unlike Duke basketball.
The difference between the screaming and tantrums being seen as ‘leadership’ or ‘brattyness’ is simply if a ball deflects another way and they win. San Diego usually wins in November. Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: San Diego +5.5
5 Irish Car bombs!!!!
Tim Tebow is punishing all Americans for not being in Church on Sunday by overtaking the evil League that we have been giving our devotion.
We have mocked the Sabbath for too long now, and Tebow has come for the reckoning. No longer can we blissfully enjoy a full slate of NFL football on the holiest day of the week and not expect repercussions.
Tebow has perfected the love/hate dichotomy in which every football game is about him yet is nothing at all. He can play in the most meaningless game giving such a bad performance and make it an exciting victory forcing an entire nation to speak of Him.
Tebow prays for our souls, and He plays for our enjoyment.
Lost in last week’s miracle comeback win was how comically bad Yahweh Tittle was for the majority of the game. It was not just His statistics ( 1 completion through 3 quarters) but the way He interpreted the quarterback position that was so hilarious.
Tebow attempted passes with His non throwing hand, His never throwing elbow, and even tried the little used volleyball punch serve. Tebow made countless hysterical 360° spin moves while in the pocket to ensure that every fan got a good view of the performance. He truly is the funniest thing on CBS right now. When the network has to replace Ashton Kutcher in “2 & 1/2 Men” next year because he continually thinks 22 year old co-eds aren’t going to brag about having sex with him, they should look no further than Tebow.
This week is a classic battle between the Christian and the Lions. I swore after last week’s game, that I would never go against Him again. I lied, and Tebow has made a sinner out of all us. Bottom Line: Detroit -3 3 bombs!!!
Washington +6 @ Buffalo: American Football is a sport that other countries do not wish to understand. If one was to watch an NFL game without any knowledge of the rules it would seem very boring and confusing. I get why other countries don’t like football, it is a stupid sport, but its our stupid sport. We love it because we grew up on it, like the rest of the world grew up on soccer. That is why we hate their stupid game.
Other countries wouldn’t loathe our style of football so much if we didn’t try to force it upon them every year. Even after Europe didn’t go to games when we gave them an entire League filled with their neighbors playing, we still won;t give up. Last week the NFL allowed our friends in London view the display of Jay Cutler throwing a 15 yard in route to Roy Williams. Glorious!
Not lost in translation is how stupid this is
This week the NFL is keeping our invasion on our own continent, and bringing a bad game to Canada. While Canada does have their own football league, they bastardized it by opening the game up and making it a lot more fun. Wider fields, field goal returns, receivers in full forward motion, that is not what we do with football Canada. We play it in the most military rigid style possible with no flamboyance. To drive the point home, we will give you John Beck versus Buffalo.
The best thing about the Bills has always been their extremely loyal and rabid fan base that makes playing a game in their stadium very difficult. They reside in a miserable city and live for their Bills. This year, the Bills have actually been playing an exciting brand of football. So the NFL has decided to take away 1 of the 8 times in a year that city is happy and move their home game to Toronto. It is half a reminder to them that their lives should not be a happy one, and punishment for Vincent Gallo. Bottom Line: Washington +6 2 bombs!!!
Philadelphia -3 vs. Dallas : This rivalry between two historically talented and emotionally unstable teams will be on full display Sunday night. The therapy session begins on Monday with players being overly critiqued or acting out themselves.
Eagle defensive back, Assante Samuel, lashed out at his own bosses claiming they are playing “fantasy football” and even used the cliched line that “they never played football”. He was upset that they were seeking out to trade him. Management was upset that they paid Samuel $45 million to be their third best corner back. It would be fun if all NFL teams were forced to run their business day to day operations by ex players only. ”Hey, did Ricky Watters pay for the entire cast of ‘Scarface’ to come in and re-enact the movie before next week’s game?”
Tony Romo has been slammed by the media all year for playing either too recklessly (Jets, Lions) or too conservatively (Patriots). People love to say that Tony Romo is mentally weak and not focused because he wears his hat backwards and once dated Jessica Simpson. “If he wasn’t so concerned with fucking Carrie Underwood, maybe he wouldn’t of dropped that extra point hold!” Or maybe, a man just dropped the oblong shaped ball.
Owner Jerry Jones scolded their coach for his play calling , then lied and said he was sorry. Jones is not the apology type, he is the prick alcoholic father that you can never impress, wipe out a nature park to set up condominiums, type. I wish he drank scotch more publicly, and really embraced that Texas oil tycoon son of a bitch image.
This game of fragile mentality will end up in an “A&E Intervention”, Jeff Van Vonderen style.
Jeff won't take your guff
Van Vonderen gets the job done. He moseys in to town , watches the tape, rifles through the bullshit and puts that addict in the van.
It will come down to who is willing to break down and save their season by getting in the fucking van. Jerry Jones won’t budge. Bottom Line: Philadelphia -3 2 bombs!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation of the Week
New England-3 @ Pittsburgh: The New England Patriots were on a bye last week, meaning they had 5 days to take a break from the grind of playing NFL football. Patriots tight end, Rob Gronkowski, spent his week off in his hometown in Arizona frolicking with a porn star. We know this because, he tweeted a picture this week showing the two of them in an obvious pre or post coitus session.
We tweet each other
The picture got a lot of publicity which led to him having to come out and make an apology to the fans and his owner. I realize that America is a sexually repressed country, but why does a professional single football player have to apologize for being with a porn star? I don’t expect my football players to be wearing UGG boots, but I do expect them to have Jager fueled sex with Silicone Valley Starlets on their down time.
One reason that has been used is that he should be focused on his playbook, not romping around with some floozy. That is the standard line from angry married men who are furious when better lives are rubbed into their faces. He knows the plays, if he didn’t he wouldn’t be able to start for the Patriots and score touchdowns which enables him to have wall to wall sex with an expert in her field.
The second stand by reason is the classic, it’s not a good example to show for our kids. What will I tell my son, who views Gronkowski as a hero? Well Dad, you tell him exactly what it is and why he is your hero. You tell him that if he works very hard and becomes dedicated, then one day you too can win a Super Bowl and cash in with the real trophy.
I am actually more surprised when more professional football players are not on the injury report with more venereal diseases than hamstring injuries. Actually the more I think about it, I bet half of these muscle strains that players acquire are more from trying to keep up with all of their groupies than playing a game they have been doing their entire lives.
Gronkowski and the Patriots are totally refreshed and ready to play.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: New England -3 5 Irish Car Bombs!!!!!
The midpoint of the NFL season is where teams seem to disappear for a couple of weeks. It comes in the form of uninspired play leading up to their anticipated bye week. For as much as it affects our lives, the bye week is never given the advertisement it deserves. It seems like I never find out the Eagles are not playing until I am already at the bar and have finished my weekly severing of meaningful relationships. "What? They are on bye today? So I could have gone to the pumpkin patch with the lady while keeping the belittling laughter on the inside?"
I don't need the constant scores trailing underneath the game I am watching, but I would like a non stop reminder scrolling, "Attention: The Patriots don't play next Sunday, interact with loved ones!!!"
It is too big of news not to be fully prepared for. This is why I never supported Daylight Savings, not that I am against maximizing the sunlight's hours for our nations farmers, but the lack of warning is mind boggling. It's almost like a rumor that goes around twice a year, no one is ever sure when it is, it just happens.
We are out one Saturday night with friends and the one guy in the group who always refuses for the night to end pulls out, "Hey C'mon one more bar we get an extra hour tonight!" I'm always amazed when he is right, as much as I am baffled by people who actually know this fact and prepare responsibly by setting their clocks back ahead of time. I mean, how is the top news story every day of that week warning everyone: "This Saturday night, we manually change time as we all know it!!"
The one thing I do enjoy about the unexpected time change is when people use it as an excuse for being late way into the following week. "Sorry I'm late man, my body is still trying to adjust to Daylight Savings." We all didn't just get off a flight from Japan, it was one hour that we all slept through.
Back to bombs.
Atlanta +3.5 @ Detroit:
The sports media has really been enjoying themselves the last couple of weeks telling us how much the Tigers and Lions winning championships will mean to Detroit. It is their Hallmark way of trying to make sports something that it is not. Sports can draw up fleeting feelings of joy or despair, but Calvin Johnson's touchdowns will not save a city in ruins. Justin Verlander could make fans forget their problems for a couple of hours, much like America has forgotten about Detroit for twenty years.
Harbaugh = Dick
Things were getting too good for the city of Detroit, and it took a Grade "A" prick, Jim Harbaugh, to make us all aware of the inevitable. After the his Niners beat the undefeated Lions, Harbaugh committed the ultimate middle aged white man prick move of giving a disrespectful handshake to Lions coach Jim Schwartz.
There is no bigger insult to the older asshole white man than not looking another man in his eyes and accepting a proper handshake. It is a kin to the black atlhlete getting spit in the face, they hate it. Schwartz ran after Harbaugh to confront him after the San Francisco coach slapped his back and tauntingly shook his hand around like a dead sparrow. Never mind that during the duration of the game, Schwartz mocked Harbaugh and called him dumb for not knowing the replay rules. That gives no right to not give a proper face to face hand shake.
With all the Detroit love going on recently, we needed to call upon our new favorite jerk to calm things down for them. Harbaugh is that special jerk. He comes from a long line of rat bastard football coaches who are very "competitive" (my favorite asshole excuse adjective). He was bred for this moment. He was a prick at Stanford, where he ran up scores and somehow fielded a top 5 team that was 90% white. I still don't know how he got away with that.
Now that the tigers are eliminated, and the Lions do not look as promising as they did when they were beating the bad teams earlier in the year, maybe Detroit won't be saved after all. Bottom Line: Atlanta +3.5
3 bombs!!!
Green Bay-9 @ Minnesota:
Usually when pressures rise for players, it comes from unfair treatment from the local media and its fans. Donovan McNabb is the only quarterback that the media supports and actually believes he gets a raw deal from his coaches. It is amazing how much they are pained when McNabb gets benched year after year.
I know we've written a lot about McNabb... but hey, he's a media magnet
McNabb got benched for his third team in three years last week. The national sports media, who has not watched a Viking game all year, refuses to believe it is the quarterbacks fault. On no other losing team does the quarterback get a pass. He threw for 39 yards in the opener versus San Diego and still almost won.
The media will lambaste any malcontent who speaks up when they are wronged and label him a "troublemaker". McNabb has taken an unusual amount of public shots through his career and has always responded in a mature professional way. The media hates it. They stick up for him like he is a bully victim, pleading for him to fight back and call Andy Reid a fat dope, or Shanahan an out of touch fool living in the past.
The media are proud parents of Donovan and want him to be what he always dreamed for him. "Whatever you do Donovan, don't give up it will ruin us." Maybe McNabb knows he is not good anymore and his once great skills are eroding. He just doesn't have the heart to tell his media parents that he is going to have to settle for being known as a perennial all star Quarterback who made over $100 million during his great career.
I usually like to support teams that were publicly humiliated the week before and come back getting a ton of points at home (Tampa last week), but this is different because of the QB change. While rookie Christian Ponder certainly will not be worse than McNabb, he won't be prepared for a Dom Capers defense that is hitting its stride. Bottom Line: Green Bay -9
3 bombs!!!
Miami -1 vs. Denver:
Miami is a team that got embarrassed on national TV last week and they return home as slight favorites. Not even God could explain this one, but maybe his son can. Yes, the Broncos have done the inevitable and given in to the Denverites and elected to start 3rd stringer Saint H-back Tim Tebow this week.
Miami
None of the pharisees in Denver's organization want Tebow to succeed. Coach John Fox continues to tell the followers to no avail that he is a false idol incapable of throwing NFL passes. General Manager John Elway does not believe that being a good person has any business on a football field. They want him to lose, and then make a billboard laughing about it.
Why else would Denver trade away their best wide receiver, Brandon Lloyd, 4 days before Tebow was going to make his debut? NFL teams do not make trades to make their teams better, they do them to simply get rid of somebody. Either the player is causing a problem in the locker room, or in this rare instance might help the fans chosen one win a game and make them look bad.
Tebow commands us to love our enemies, and will actually reward these evil Mountain sinners by granting them their desires and lose to the lowly Dolphins. If this story seems a bit far fetched, try reading the Bible: "Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."
Wow. And while were at it, lets lay the points.
Bottom Line: Miami -1
2 Vengeful Bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
Carolina -2.5 vs. Washington:
Another team is benching their quarterback mid season this week. Unlike Minnesota and Denver though, the Redskins are not putting in some young first round pick that might be their future.
No, this is not Joe Dirt. This is John Beck, a name & face you will surely forget. He
Washington is simply putting in a guy. A guy named John Beck. John is 30 years old. John has not started an NFL game in 4 years. John is not Rex Grossman.
That is what Rex can do a team. Even after his disastrous game last week, where he threw 4 interceptions in the loss to the Eagles, coach Mike Shanahan gave the cliched quote that nobody deserves to lose their job because of one bad day. Nobody that isn't Rex Grossman that is. Rex was playing pretty solid football for 6 weeks, but one could tell it was kind of boring him. He wanted to be "Bad Rex", and once he makes that decision, lock up your daughters.
Its not just that Rex throws a lot of interceptions, it's how he does it. He hits defensive backs in complete stride with the most perfect spiral. It is like he saves his best passes for the defense. All of his regular completions are knuckled through traffic and hitting receivers on the wrong shoulder. Oh but those interceptions, they are a thing of beauty. He drops back with full confidence and a bounce to his step, licks that gunslinger hand, tapes a $100 bill on the football and lets it fly perfectly to a wide open safety.
It is also when he decides to do this, that makes him uniquely team crushing. On two occasions last week, he threw picks one play immediately after the Redskins got a turnover themselves. The defense comes jogging back on the field in disbelief giving Rex a look that says, "Really? Already? You gave them the ball back again? Can't you at least take a sack first and give us a minute?"
No, no he can not.
So Shanahan is going to try out a theory that every idiot sports fan has that they could get any guy off the street and be better than Rex Grossman. John Beck is that guy.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Carolina -2.5
5 bombs!!!!!
In highschool, when ever a student got a speeding ticket, everyone would unsolicitedly yell, “fight it! Go to court and, if the cop doesn’t show up, you win!”. It always struck me funny: that they thought you could beat the system so easily.
Since moving to Chicago, I feel like I’m having the exact same conversation every time I talk to a Bears fan about their chances against a much superior team (like, say, the Packers):
It is easy to mourn and honor Steve Jobs, everyone liked him and he liked us. It's a little tougher with Al Davis, he despised us.
The passing of NFL icon Al Davis last week was not exactly unexpected. The Raiders owner had reached the living dead stage for years, complete with open bloody wounds and failed band aid jobs. Network television had to have his obituary tribute video in the can for at least a decade ready to roll as soon as the inevitable occurred. I imagine there are tons of these tribute death clips ready to go for other celebrities who refuse to give in. Did you know Gene Wilder is still alive? Shocking.
This week's Raider game will have a big tribute to Davis beforehand, and people assume it will give Oakland extra motivation to win in his honor. There is no way players like Denarius Moore has ever met Al Davis, and probably assumed he was dead already.
They really should keep Davis' body in the owners booth overlooking games for the rest of the season, "Weekend at Bernie's" style. In fact, the Raiders never should have admitted that he had passed in the first place just to see if anyone would know the difference.
I personally liked Al Davis because he was a legitimate crazy asshole. It's always fun to see when a confirmed jerk is being honored after death by people that he hated. He once called ESPN's Chris Mortensen a "professional liar". It literally just took me 10 minutes to stop laughing after typing that out. "Professional liar" is such a great title.
Davis is credited for breaking color barriers in the NFL because he was the first one to hire a minority as a head coach. It also helped that he could pay them the cheapest salary possible. I always like when old coaches and owners are attributed with being civil rights leaders because they took a chance on a black athlete when no one else would. The media likes to treat Red Auerbach like MLK because he rolled the dice by drafting Bill Russell with the #1 pick. What amazing vision he had in projecting a 7 foot black man who dominated college basketball would translate to the professional league of 6 foot white guys with pomade in their hair. Maybe, just maybe, this Russel guy can stop "ol' set shot" Sammy and the rest of those Rochester rascals. The fact is they wanted to win, and they did.
Cleveland +7 @ Oakland
Bottom Line: Cleveland Browns +7
3 bombs!!
Indianapolis +7 @ Cincinnati
The Indianapolis Colts have been quietly trying to obtain the worst record in the League in order to draft Stanford's Andrew Luck. The Colts owner, Jim Irsay, said he has been going to Stanford games in order to scout Luck. Who the hell still does that and do you really need to scout the best player in the country? "Don't get nervous Andrew, but there is a big time scout from the professional football League in the stands today, I heard they might be interested in you playing ball for them next year".
Luck shocked everyone when he didn't go pro last year and stated he actually enjoyed going to college and being an engineer student. It would be hilarious if he decides next year to not play pro football and personally fuck over about 8 teams that are tanking their season to get him. Maybe he will realize that being able to walk in his 50s and not getting screamed at by old meat heads is a more desirable future.
Curtis Painter throwing a wrinkle in the Colts' Andrew Luck plans
The Colts thought signing 41 year-old Kerry Collins would ensure them of being the worst team in the league. For a while they were right, but now there's a problem. Collins got hurt and has yet to be medically cleared again to play by Dr. Pierre Garcon.
Enter troublemaker Curtis Painter. The career backup quarterback to Peyton Manning selfishly wants to win games in his first taste of NFL action. The Colts have been very close to their first franchise ending victory and now play a team that everyone has somehow forgot is still the Bengals.
Bottom Line: Colts +7
3 bombs!!
Miami @ NY Jets -7.5
Unlike the Colts, the Miami Dolphins are following the game plan to get Andrew Luck. Taking no chances of getting a disastrous win, they recently placed their starting QB Chad Henne on Injured Reserve when he hurt his non throwing shoulder. The Dolphins then shrewdly replaced him with the ultimate white flag, Matt Moore.
The Dolphins continued the plan to lose by enabling their best player's mental illness. Star receiver Brandon Marshall is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and the Dolphins love it. Marshall told everyone that he plans on getting kicked out of this game in the 2nd quarter because he is crazy.
Brandon Marshall: batshit crazy
"I think the past four games have been tough for me, trying to control some things, and, hey man, I'm just going to let it out," Marshall said.
So what does "let it out" mean? Playing hard and leaving everything on the field?
"I don't know if it's throwing a football 15 yards in the bleachers, or getting a 15-yarder [penalty], or punting the ball and getting thrown out of the game. But something is going to happen. I'll probably get kicked out after the second quarter."
Perfect.
Bottom Line: Jets -7.5
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
Chicago -3 vs. Minnesota
The Chicago Bears offensive line hates Jay Cutler as much as we do. They enjoy it when he gets sacked and winces after every play, they find it hilarious. Last week the line decided that intentionally missing blocks wouldn't be enough to get Cutler killed. So they drew up another plan to spice things up, committing non stop false start penalties so the fierce Lion defense could rev up every down in sure passing situations.
All it took was the Monday night spotlight plus a few John Gruden handjobs to turn Cutler from a goat into a warrior
Jay Cutler hates his offensive line too, and decided to fight back. Knowing he couldn't do anything to match the physical pain against his line, he decided to ridicule them in front of a national Monday Night audience. Cutler was under pressure all night and he wanted everyone to know about it. He started throwing the ball left handed, through his legs, all in an attempt to magnify the ineptitude of his feeble offensive line. The plan worked well, as the national media has changed their opinion on Cutler after that game and now consider him a warrior.
This public fighting between Cutler and his offensive line is like that married couple we hate going out with because they always fight and belittle each other. We never understand why they are together at all if they just constantly fight and seem to hate each other. Its simple, the couple stays together in spite of us. They don't want to give us the satisfaction of us being right about them by breaking up.
Cutler and his offensive line will put away their differences for one night and put up a front as they host a dinner party for their annoying nosy neighbors, the Minnesota Vikings. They will be damnded if they let Donovan fucking McNabb think his relationship is going better than theirs. And that is what love is all about.
Bottom Line: Chicago Bears -3
5 Irish Car Bombs!!!!
Last Week: 3-1 (+6 bombs)
Year to Date: 12-7-1 (+20 bombs)
Irish Car Bomb of the Week: 4-0-1
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It was great week for the bombs last Sunday as we went 3-1, and somehow avoided the Leagues latest joke. The joke was told in Arizona when the NFL took away a win from the Cardinals by making up a rule on the spot when it appeared that the Giants' Victor Cruz fumbled away the game. They even gave it a title, called the "surrender rule".
They claimed that even though the receiver was not touched on the ground, he voluntarily surrendered himself down, thus ending the play. Hilarious. Sometimes the League has to dig deeper for their desired results and just dig up some old rule that they never omitted from the book and apply it when necessary. I don't have time to get into it again, but if you want to see it, here's the video:
The best joke this week was told by ESPN when they fired true funnyman Hank Williams Jr. from singing their played out intro song to Monday Night Football. As one probably already has heard, Bocephus did his thing this week when he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler on the show Fox and Friends.
That is where Hank messed up. He thought he was on safe grounds with the Fox News Network, but by using Hitler as the punchline even they knew that was wrong. If he used a lesser known evil tyrant, say Pope Clement V, he might have been able to get away with it. Hell, hearing the word "Pope" would probably make those morning idiots on Fox think it was a compliment, not knowing he was referring to the man who led the Inquisition.
Apparently, after 20 years ESPN just realized that Hank Williams Jr. is a crazy shit kickin conservative, and that is not what football fans are about. Does ESPN really think people are going to boycott their telecasts, because people are angry about the beliefs of the guy who hams through the intro song? It's fucking Monday night football, we are going to watch it if you start the telecast with animated Mongols wearing Colts helmets slaughtering any team that resists them.
We all knew going in, that Bocephus hates a lot of things, mainly all minorities and northerners. But can't we separate his personal beliefs with his amazing catchphrase "Are you ready for some football?" Do we have to have every form of entertainment done by the most neutral, unoffensive mannequins we can find?
Corporations always come out with the statement that the person's opinions don't represent that of the company, but they never come out and say what their opinion is. Okay ESPN, then what is your take on Obama? We heard Hank's, what say you? What about the people who do think Obama is Hitler? Now are you going to offend them by getting some new singer who does not believe what they do. I don't care what anybody's crazy opinion is, as long as they state it. And if they actually believe in it, well that makes it even funnier.
Are you ready for some Car bombs????
Green Bay @ Atlanta over 53:
Speaking of hilarious old southern coots, Brett Favre is aging like fine moonshine. I was never a fan of his when he was the adored best QB in the League for Green Bay, but he certainly has grown on me. He was pretty funny with the Jets, slapstick guffaw funny with the Vikings, and now he is full on great as a bitter bumpkin on his Mississippi farm.
Brett Favre: Aging like fine moonshine
Favre did an interview this week saying that he was not surprised his successor, Aaron Rodgers, won a Super Bowl with his Packers but that it took so long. Even though last year was only Rodgers' third as the starting quarterback, Favre thinks since he had time to learn from him and the team was so good that he should of won even quicker. Man he is great.
Yes Brett, the Packers team you left was very talented and the only reason it did not win a Super bowl 3 years ago is because of your free-ballin' passes that always got intercepted. I am sure you gave him great knowledge along the way, like how to play a game with your chin strap unbuckled to complete the rugged look, and farting in the huddle to break the tension.
Rodgers had to waste his first season unlearning your bullshit, use his second year to be great, and finally his third to be the best QB in the League. Rodgers is an amazing QB that has his offense hitting on all cylinders right now. He accounted for 6 touchdowns last week and they simply can not be stopped right now.
Atlanta's defense is heartless and refuses to even show resistance to anyone. If they could not figure out Tarvarus Jackson last week (300 yards and 28 points), then they will gladly bend over for the Packer juggernaut. The only thing preventing this from being a play on Green Bay is that it is a night game in Atlanta, and that means everyone is going to be frisky.
The Falcons have a good offense too, especially at home. When combined with the Freaknik atmosphere and notorious strip club scene, this game will be hopping with points. I'm a little weary of the Falcons back dooring a cover, so lets just enjoy the party and watch the points.
Bottom Line: Packers/ Falcons over 53
3 bombs!!!
Oakland +6 @ Houston
People do not like Oakland's quarterback, Jason Campbell. I have sometimes wondered how he continues to keep a job. He is not bad, nor he is good, he is just there. Jason Campbell makes his is living more on the side of what he is not. He is not a fuck up, he is not reckless, and he will not lose a game for you. He might not win it, but he won't lose it.
Jason Campbell: mucking his way to mediocrity
To put in poker terms, Campbell is the best folder in the League. He quietly throws two pair in the muck when he knows he is beat. He is never drawing for the flush and he quietly accepts defeat down after down.
Some quarterbacks like to fold their hands face up to show what a great player they are. After getting raised by a blitz, they will spike their Ace on the field and berate some poor slot WR for running the wrong route. Not Campbell, he will throw the ball away after 3 seconds in the pocket regardless if there is any pressure on him or not. He knows whats coming.
The best part about him, is that no one knows about him and his mastery of managing the game. People assume he is erratic, because they only watch him once a year, and in those game he intentionally throws a bad interception. Its called table image.
Everyone saw him throw an inexplicable pick in the end zone last week versus the Patriots. It was such a bad and uncharacteristic pass, that the only explanation was that he was setting up the long con. Now everyone goes back to the assumption that he is a terrible player, and that's when he traps you with middle set.
Bottom Line: Oakland +6
2 bombs!!
Pittsburgh -3 vs Tennessee:
People are pretty quick to end the Steeler's season only a month into it. I know they are banged up and have not been as dominant as we are accustomed to seeing them, but the criticism has gone over the top. That is what happens in today's non-stop ESPN world, we have all week to analyze everything we have seen and are forced to predict the rest.
The Steelers are a veteran team, they are not "too old" as everyone is calling them. They returned 21 out of 22 starters of a Super Bowl team from six months ago! Analysts act like this team's last glory days were a decade ago and we are watching the old white knees of Kevin McHale and Larry Bird. It is either because 6 months ago in the current times seems like 10 years ago, or it's because people are simply sick of the Steelers being good.
Roethlisberger prefers the "Gulliver's Travels" technique when it comes to taking a sack
I know I am sick of them being good, but it doesn't mean I am going to deny the truth. The biggest injury is to Ben Rothlisberger, who comes into Sunday very hobbled. He is always hobbled, and he always plays through it usually with better results. Ben is actually a better quarterback when he is hurt than when healthy. I think he actually tries to hurt himself during games. No one takes a longer time to get sacked than Rothlisberger. Once a lineman gets a hold of him, he doesn't drop to the ground to protect himself. He becomes stiff as a board, taking his time dropping one body part at a time inviting other defenders to rope him down like Gulliver's Travels.
I said last week that Matt Hassleback will get a swollen ego once the Browns let him destroy them. Now is when reality hits.
Bottom Line: Steelers-3
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
Carolina +6.5 vs. New Orleans:
Cam Newton's excellence has surprised everyone in the League so far. No one thought that #1 overall pick would be good in the NFL because he came from a spread offense in college, had off the field issues, and is not a good looking white model.
The spread offense is actually ran in the NFL as well, but just the passing aspect. The two best teams in the League, the Patriots and Packers, constantly have 4 wide receivers spread out to create mismatches. They just don't run the option game that comes with with it in college. That's why its hilarious to me when they say he didn't come from a Pro style offense, like the I-formation. You mean Newton didn't come from a 1980s style of an NFL offense when plays were called "waggle" and "belly right".
Cam is proving that he was way underpaid when he played for Auburn
Cam's most famous off the field problems last year which earned him the label as "troublemaker" was when his dad illegally accepted $150 K from college in order for his son to play for them. That part I kind of agree with, because he was grossly underpaid. It shows he did not know his true market value as a player who could single handedly bring a National Championship to that school in one year. I'm willing to chalk that up to inexperience.
The third criticism is a long staple of football. Coaches actually recruit quarterbacks on face symmetry and classic good looks, because that is what we believe they should be.
Last year they drafted Jimmy Clausen as their franchise quarterback. There is no bigger fraud and example of this rule than Clausen. He is the youngest of 3 brothers who are handsome tall men that conned their way through mediocre college careers. Jimmy was the father's golden goose. He was the perfect specimen. Bleach blonde hair, perfect face, went to Notre Dame, fucking terrible athlete. I would hardly trust him to help me move. But after years of trial and error, Mr. Clausen convinced an NFL team to give him $20 million.
New coach Ron Rivera saw enough on film to know they needed a change. He knew he was going to have to get someone who was so good, despite him not being a good looking white neighbor, that they could not help but put him on the field. Enter Cam Newton.
The Panthers are an extremely undervalued team, because they have not got their signature "win" yet. They have been in every game so far, and usually outplayed their opponent. I think they win outright this week to a Saint team that will be sleepwalking through this one, and even if they don't 6 points at home is a gift.
Bottom Line: Irish Car Bomb of the Week, Carolina +6.5
5 bombs!!!!!
If week 2 of the NFL season reminded us that it is a lie. The third week stepped it up a notch by also telling us it is a joke. We did okay by hitting our Irish Car Bomb of the Week with Denver, but still wound up 2-2.
The hilarious joke that NFL told at the end of the Bears/Packers game is what prevented the 3-1 results. There is nothing like an inexplicable hose job to remind us of exactly who is always in charge.
The Bears, getting 3.5 points, were down by 10 with one minute remaining about to receive the ball. Up until this point the Packers were dominating the game and fully deserved of the victory, which of course means nothing in covering the spread.
Chicago was set up for a vintage backdoor cover if they could score a "meaningless" touchdown and only lose by 3. Lovie Smith, realizing the importance of covering the number, called for a trick play punt return that was executed to perfection. All eyes were on the best kick returner of all time, Devin Hester, as he ran to the left side of the field faking like he was going to receive the punt. It confused everyone, as the ball went to the other side and Johnny Knox who was all alone to rush up the sideline for a touchdown to cover city. The Packers called it the greatest play they have ever seen. Lovie did it! He didn't save this play for some game where the victory was in balance. No, he pulled out his greatest play so that the Bears could cover the spread!
Unfortunately, the play also confused the refs, so one simply dropped a flag out of his pocket because something had to have been wrong. Once they realized the play was legal, instead of picking up the flag, they threw out the old stock joke of "holding". Holding is the stand by for a penalty that can't be argued because it happens on every play. "Ok ref, who held then? what number?" This where the joke gets pretty good. First they say #21 was guilty of holding, and all replays showed he was just standing around and could not of possibly be the guy they were talking about. "Alright, how about #29" , ref responds. Yeah, there is no #29 on the Bears roster. "Really? huh? You would think there would be, oh well, bring it back boys"
It really was one of the best jokes I have seen the NFL tell in a while, so I have to give them credit for that. Watch the hilarity
Week 4's Picks:
New England -4 @ Oakland
No one was happier with the collapse of the Red Sox and subsequent firing of their manager Terry Francona than Bill Belichick. He never liked that the Red Sox were more popular, and he certainly hated the fact there was another heralded coach in his city.
Bill Belichick, mumbling miserable prick
The NFL Network is airing a behind the scenes show where they followed Belichick for a full season, and it just shows that he is mumbling miserable prick. For the record, I am fine with that being mumbling and miserable myself, but its amazing to see the lengths people go to make everyone believe that he is such a great guy if we only knew him. Most football coaches are not great, fun guys, they only pretend to be. That is the reason why I like Belichick, he acts and dresses exactly how he is, miserable fucking grey.
Earlier this week, Raiders linebacker Rolondo McClain called the Patriots a "finesse team". What was he thinking? Don't say that Rolondo, whatever you do don't give the Patriots any extra motivation by providing "BULLETIN BOARD MATERIAL!!!" Now they are going to cut that article out of the newspapers they read every day and pin it right up on their bulletin board in their locker room right under the reminder for Friday's Wes Welker's Columbus Day Dinner Party.
Only dumb fans would think that quote is an insult, let alone extra motivation to win. Well, dumb fans and miserable prick coaches who can now make his meatdope players forget that they are a finesses team that throws the ball 80% of the time with a star QB that does commercials for UGG boots.
Bottom Line: Patriots -4
3 bombs!!
Love those Browns!
Tennessee Pk @ Cleveland
The Cleveland Browns are not the worst team in football, but they are easily the worst team to watch play football. Everything about them is aesthetically displeasing. I hate watching people watch the Browns.
It seems like the Browns play the Browns every week, as if every week it is just an inter-scrimmage of all 100 players on their bland rosters . They make their opponents look as ugly as them. No matter the jersey color of the other team it will never sync up with the Browns shit colored bland look.
They even go as far as to make the other team play like the Browns. If the team is better than Cleveland, than they get so confused in the awfulness surrounding them that they just give in to the mob mentality and assume this how things are done there. If the team happens to be worse, the Browns will oblige my letting them hang around long enough to possibly get a win. That is always the worst kind, because then that team becomes like the Browns where they get an unexpected win and give themselves false hope. That ultimately leads to the bigger fall into misery, which is exactly where the Browns want you.
The Browns target this week will be Matt Hasselback, who thinks he is resurrecting his career this year in Nashville. They will let him win and feel good before his imminent downfall.
Bottom Line: Tennessee (Pick'em)
2 bombs!!
Rough start for the 0-3 Vikes
Minnesota -2 @ Kansas City
This my favorite type of game where you have two bad teams that have yet to win. It is a game that draws lines in what kind of organization they are. Do they seize the opportunity to keep losing, or do they want a fleeting moment of glory in beating someone who is equally as bad as them?
The Vikings look like they get it so far, as they continue to squander talent and big first half leads. Last week, they were up 20-0 against Detroit and brilliantly gave the ball to the best running back in the league 5 times in the second half to ensure another loss. Adrian Peterson is becoming a problem for Minnesota, as he is hell bent on winning games by demanding the ball more. That kind of attitude will not get you Andrew Luck.
Last week on a crucial 4th and 1, while clinging to a 3 point lead, the Vikings sent out the field goal unit to keep the door open for the Lions comeback. Peterson waived the kicker off and demanded that they go for it and actually try to win the game.
Coach Leslie Frazier knew that he couldn't upset his biggest star in front of everyone, especially with 70,000 fans kind of agreeing with AP. So, Frazier did the only thing he could, he went for it. However, in a brilliant move he decided to not give the ball to the greatest player in the League and opted for a dive play to Peterson's back up, Toby Gerhardt. Toby was stuffed short of course, and the Lions eventually won the game in overtime, crisis averted.
This week, though, there will be too much to overcome to get their badly need loss. Not only do the Vikings face a less talented and even more inept team in Kansas City, but now they have two angrily motivated stars to deal with.
All Pro defensive end Jared Allen used to play for Kansas City and was beloved there, and he has it in his head that he was somehow wronged by the team. Forget the fact that he signed for $73 million with the Vikings after getting 2 DUIs in Kansas City leading to a suspension from the NFL, they wronged him.
Bottom Line: Vikings-2
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
We support Del Rio's decision to release Garrard... bring back the suit though
New Orleans -7 @ Jacksonville
A lot was made by the decision of Jaguars head coach, Jack Del Rio, to release their starting Pro Bowl quarterback 4 days before the season started. It was a strange move, but in his defense, that quarterback was David Garrard.
Not that Garrard is that bad of a quarterback, you just always know what you're going to get with him. And what you get, is a 6-10 record. He will make your team 6-10 regardless of your talent. If you have a 2 win team, than he will put them on his back and lead them to overachieve with 6 victories. If you have a 10 win team, than Garrard will put on the brakes and slip that squad into a disappointing 6 wins.
Del Rio has seen this movie before, so he cut him and gave a rookie his chance to lead his team to mediocrity. If Garrard was at the helm on Sunday, this would be exactly the type of game they would win as a big home underdog. Luckily for us and Jacksonville fans, he spared us of that.
Bottom Line: New Orleans -7
5 Irish Car Bomb Detonations!!!!!
The first week of the NFL year is a lie. Every September, the opening act of the football season dutifully performs its objective to get every fan falsely full of confidence. If one wins, then they immediately dismiss the rest of the season as child's play simply getting in the way of the inevitable dominance. If one loses, than they are equally as confident that everything you have ever believed in was a sham, and now they must run for cover and try to salvage any remaining valuables before the ship sinks.
Neither is true, but its fun to believe. I was actually mad that I did not go 4-0 in Week 1 instead of counting my lucky Tom Cruises' that I salvaged a 3-1 effort. The winners were easy I thought, this year is definitely going to be different, the one where the city of Las Vegas simply couldn't keep up with my insights.
Then week 2 told me to shut the fuck up. My Irish Car Bomb of the week actually pushed (Buffalo-3), and it was the greatest tie in the history of my life. At least until this weekend.
I love games like this, being part of a historic comeback where Buffalo, down 21-3 at half, scored touchdowns on 5 consecutive drives to win the game. I told the story to a non football fan friend, drive by drive concluding with the impossible 4th down conversion touchdown with only seconds remaining like I was recalling my conquering of Moby Dick.
He seemed politely excited for me and then said, "So you won right?" "We'll no, I tied, but it was amazing, I should of lost" "I thought you said they came back and won?" " I did, yea they did..the Bills won, but I pushed" "So nothing happened then? " "Yea." On to more nothing bombs.
"Mike Vick is the Louis Farrakhan of the NFL"
NY Giants +9 @ Philadelphia
Moms hate Michael Vick. Dads love to bet on the Eagles. This is the risk Andy Reid took two years ago. When Reid signed Vick, he knew what was coming: public outcry, fur staining protesters, letters from parents demanding answers on how to parent.
Ultimately though, the reward was the greatest free agent signing of all time. Yes, Michael Vick blossomed into one of the best QBs in the league after learning how to 'drop back' in two and a half years in Leavenworth, but that is not his best asset. What Vick provided was the opening of the floodgates to every best available free agent who simply want to be around him. He is the Louis Farrakhan of the NFL. Pro Bowlers would take jobs on the bench just to be near the most hated man of white America, next to Floyd Mayweather.
The end result is the "dream team" that was assembled, leading them to be the most publicly backed betting team in the League. This also leads to unrealistic expectations and massive egos, and it starts with their coach. Michael Vick's excellence has swelled Reid's ego so much that he thinks he can do anything, including appointing a new defensive coordinator who has never once even coached a position on the defensive side. Seriously.
Castillo was the Offensive line coach for the Eagles for 13 years, and then one day Reid said fuck it, I bet I can make him the defensive coordinator. His reasoning to the completely shocked football world was that as an O line coach he knows exactly how to fool them. And fool them he has.
Castillo has installed a new defensive formation called the "wide 9", which is spreading out the defensive line so wide that they are practically 9 yards away from any offensive lineman in hopes of creating penetration. I am not lying, their defensive ends are sometimes lined up in front of wide receivers. Now, while this does the job of confusing offensive lineman, it certainly does not make their job harder.
If Steven Jackson didn't get hurt on his first carry from scrimmage in the opener, which was a 50 yard off tackle dive for an untouched touchdown by the way, he would have rushed for at least 650 yards. Castillo was in no way prepared to make an adjustment, he simply hoped the running backs would go into shock by seeing holes they have not seen since Pop Warner and pull a quad muscle out of excitement. Somehow it worked.
The Giants have an excellent running game, and I think they will be able to withstand the complete audacity of this formation to grind out a tough divisional game. I'm not sure who wins, but I know 9 points is way too much for this huge rival of asshole cities.
Bottom Line: Giants +9
3 bombs!!!
Atlanta +1.5 @ Tampa Bay
I am fully aware about Matt Ryan and the Falcon's struggles on the road and especially on grass surfaces. At the same time, I am also aware that the country wants Tampa Bay to be good. They are not. They might be in the future, but they are not good now.
I know they snuck up last year and had an incredibly surprising season with a roster of blue chip juveniles. Much like the Ca$h Money Millionaire rappers, this team just is not ready for the spotlight. Sunday, Manny fresh runs into Jermaine Dupri.
Tampa Bay is like our fuck up son who never really had potential, but our own selfish pride blindly kept encouraging them to chase our dreams. Tampa Bay does not want to have a good football team, let alone be a football town, and frankly I can not blame them. Tampa Bay was happy being a cheesy neon lit bar town that hosted skanks and cut off jean shorts, then Peter King had to stick his snout into one of their draft classes and anoint Josh Freeman as the second coming.
Peter King's new poster boy for the NFL's young QB class.
Peter King, the top NFL writer for SI.com, has a massively popular weekly football column where he basically plays the role as the dad of the NFL and its fans. He gives advice, he tells players to keep their heads up, then he talks about how he hates to fly. I have nothing against Josh Freeman, I think he is a solid quarterback, but dear God does King and the rest of the media want him to be great. This is from King's latest column from Si.com. "There's something about this kid that's impossible not to like. It won't surprise me at all if, in 10 years, we look at the careers of the two quarterbacks in this game and say Freeman's been a better pro than Matt Ryan. And believe me, that's not meant to be a knock on Ryan. It's how strongly I feel about Freeman."
I don't know where to begin with that quote. Something about this kid??? Ryan is 2 years older than Freeman by the way. Also, the fact that we will all be sitting around 10 years from now on our rocking chairs discussing these quarterbacks is so diluted and pretentious its obscene. Both quarterbacks might have long great careers, but its definitely a long shot.
Here is a list of some of the great young Quarterbacks that started in the NFL ten years ago: Tim Couch, Aaron Brooks, Rob Johnson, Brian Griese, Elvis Grbac, Jay Fiedler, Trent Green, Tony Banks, Chris Weinke & Ryan Leaf.
Bottom Line is, Tampa Bay will be lucky to win 6 games this year, and now is the best time to find fade value...
Bottom line: Atlanta +1.5
3 bombs!!!
Cutler Face.
Green Bay @ Chicago +3.5
If this rivalry did not have enough on the line, between misguided Midwestern purists (GB) and delusional Midwestern faux cosmopolitans (CHI) fans, it is a revenge match of the NFC title game.
This was the game which put Jay Cutler forever in my heart. He famously did not finish the most important game of his career that Sunday in late January, and the entire country hated him for it. Why? Not because they didn't believe he wasn't hurt (he was, he had zero throwing power off his bum knee). Not because they authentically questioned his toughness ( he was sacked a record 52 times in 15 games).
It was because of his face. His fucking Cutler face. His mopey wind burnt cheeks moping around on the sidelines pedaling on a LifeCycle. It was infuriating. So much so, it led to star NFL players tweeting on raw emotion that he was soft, which led to the media reporting these tweets as actual quotes and stories, which predictably culminated 2 weeks ago with FOX putting up graphics of fake newspaper headlines denouncing Cutler.
"Cutler Leaves With Injury," "Cutler Lacks Courage" and "Cutler's No Leader" -Cutler is a cuckold" The headlines were hilarious, one because they were obviously made up, and two for some reason Moose Johnston claimed they were "actual real headlines". I love trying to add validity to a statement like "hey, this is what the city thought of Cutler because it was in the papers" Like a newspaper headline's objective is to sum up the communal statement on an issue and not sell their fucking dying newspaper.
For some reason, we as a society instantly believe things if they are in large bold print on the front page of a newspaper. It does not matter if it is a novelty paper issued to every player once they win the Super Bowl. I did not believe the Packers won the Super Bowl until Clay Mathews held up a copy of the "Deluxe Edition" of the Milwaukee Cheese Sentinel that stated, "Packers World Champs!!" Its Official, it's in the Papers!!
Personally, I think revenge will be a minor factor in this game, mainly because I believe both teams were looking ahead last week to this match up. Side note, I hate that term "looking ahead" when it comes to the NFL. Yes, fans might be looking ahead to this game, but the players never over look a situation where if they don't show up mentally or physically to the task at hand they have the high possibility of dying.
I do however, believe in the home field advantage of the Bears. Chicago is the only team in the league that has zero control of their stadium and how its kept. Soldier field is ran by the Chicago Park district, which is a great company on its own as it is responsible for 20 acres of general city dwelling, but its main priority is not some field used 12 times a year (8 bears games and 4 Dave Matthews concerts). The result of this negligence is the choppiest divot raising field this side of Medinah. It is impossible for a team with skill to get traction and create a good rhythm to watchable football. And that is exactly how the Bears like it.
Bottom Line: Bears +3.5
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
Denver +7 @ Tennessee
I know last week that I said Denver is unraveling and I still agree with that sentiment. They got a win at home versus Cinncy last week (but not a cover thankfully). However, this is the first time the Broncos are away from their moron fans who are pleading for Tim Tebow of Aquinas services', and get to go on the road to one of the only places where the fans are dumb as theirs, Tennessee.
Nashville might be the most made up American sports town in America. They received all of their teams within the decade or so and have always sold out every possible home game. Something just does not seem right there. Their enthusiasm seems forced and possibly a bit racist. If people can blame Dallas for killing JFK then I can certainly blame Nashville's moral laws on the slaying of Steve McNair by a hostess from the Golden Coral.
CJ was making 1/3 the salary of kicker Rob Bironas... we can't blame him for holding out either
I always feel like at every commercial break, there is an instructional video playing teaching the rules of the game to the new fans and when to appropriately cheer. It's like the stadium is a movie set for some new Adam Sandler pic and the crowd are just a bunch of mindless extras being paid $75 per diam and Blimpie sandwich. They showed their true colors last week when they booed the only player that ever mattered to their franchise besides the late great #9, Chris Johnson. CJ has had a slow opening start to the year after holding out for a new contract.
For some reason the NFL 's 2 time reigning rushing champion thought he did not deserve to be paid 3 times less than their kicker. (true story by the way; CJ 800K, Bironas 2.4 mil). Booing a star athlete for wanting more money is so 15 years ago, even the dopiest of meatheads now realize that these specialized athletes are actually being underpaid for their skill set, especially since they usually die before the age of 55. The Titans are not that good of a team where they should be laying a full touchdown to anybody, especially a viable opponent in Denver. The line is inflated from their home opener surprise winner over Baltimore.
Bottom Line: Denver +7
5 Irish Car Bomb Detonations!!!!!
Last Week: 1-2-1
Year to Date: 4-3-1
Irish Car Bombs: 1-0-1
Bombage: +3 Bombs
9/11 is truly a day we will never forget as we opened up by going 3-1 in our Irish bomb explosions picks. There were many heroes that emerged from that fateful day whose honor will always be cherished in our gambling hearts. Ted Ginn Jr. is one of those great Americans.
Our Irish car bomb explosion pick of the week was going as expected as the SF 49ers were dominating the Seahawks in the first half. Pete Carroll was doing his part by continuing to play Tarvarus Jackson at quarterback. San Francisco wisely refused to widen their lead, deciding to kick 4 separate field goals from inside the 5 yard line in fear that a blowout would lead to a Tarvarus benching. The lead remained a paltry 16-0 at halftime, due to Harbaugh's secret field goal weapon, Frank Gore.
Frank Gore loves getting stuffed at the goal line, as there is no better back at getting stonewalled from one yard out. The Niners had the ball on the 1 yard line six times in one series thanks to a Seattle penalty on 4th down, and gave Gore the ball all 6 times. He has the perfect form, low center of gravity, head and eyes completely down towards the turf setting up the perfect target to get stoned and dropped by a minimum of 4 unblocked defenders. Gore sprints right towards the line defying science by creating zero momentum once the initial contact is made. No back is better than Gore of collapsing straight down to the ground when met with any resistance like he heard gunshots. He goes straight into planking mode on the field turning his head to the sideline to see if he somehow the goal line was moved forward during the play.
I don't think he could score if the ball was snapped from 3 yards inside the end zone. I think San Fran's offensive line enjoys it too, as each lineman took turns completely missing blocks during this 6 play shelling. All of this intentional non-scoring almost led to disaster as Seattle, 5.5 point dogs, eventually threatened a backdoor cover pulling within 2 points with just 3 minutes remaining. Now we needed a touchdown to cover, we needed a hero to rise above the ashes left by Gore at the ground zero yard line, we needed Ted Ginn Junior!
Somehow Seattle doesn't have a kicker that can force a touchback in today's game and that opened up the opportunity for Ginn to go to the house and put us back up by 9 into cover city. Seattle had one last chance to get the cover, but after failing on 3rd down with 2 minutes to go, another hero emerged, Pete Carroll. Knowing that their best chance to move the ball downfield was to punt and hope that Ginn fumbles the ball away. Even though Ginn just scored, Carroll knew it was his only chance, so he rolled the dice. Ginn did not fumble, and he predictably ran the punt back for yet another touchdown cementing the win for the Irish Car bomb. I will always remember 9/11, now on to this weeks bombs.
Rex Grossman: 2011 Comeback Player of the Year
Arizona @ Washington -3.5
People hate Rex Grossman. They say his name in a drawn out anger filled manner like it is a noun to describe terrible. People throw out any logical sense in a bet if the opponent is Rex. "I don't care how many Giants are hurt bro, Washington is starting Rex Fucking Grossman man. I mean come on, Reexxxx Grossman!!!" I'm not sure they even know why they hate him anymore, it just seems like the right thing to do. Normally I'm all about hating someone for no reason, but I don't like to follow. Yes, he was an erratic quarterback in Chicago, but there were and are much worse quarterbacks in the League that people are indifferent about. People who think the Bears would have won the Superbowl if it wasn't for him are hilarious.
The Bears fluked their way through that season with magical bounces and bad opponents and would have been slaughtered by Peyton Manning no matter who the QB was. Arizona is an extremely overrated team coming into this year, and last week did nothing to change my mind on that. Their secondary allowing Cam Newton to throw for 400 yards is abysmal and I don't see them stopping Washington at all on Sunday.
In addition, Tim Hightower is apparently set on getting his old team back with a "historic" day in his words. I always like it when a mediocre player has a revenge game and he has to remind the media and his teammates of where he used to play. No one gives a shit that Hightower played for Arizona, except him. No one thinks he got a raw deal but him. I'm not big on revenge games, but I am big on wars being waged by one man where the opponent has no idea it has been announced.
Bottom Line: Washington -3.5
3 bombs!!!
No QB controversy here.
Cleveland @ Indianapolis +2
This is basically one of my favorite type of fades, when a team looks so bad one week they are just completely dismissed as even being a valid team. Usually people say things like "I don't care who they are playing next week, I'm pounding them!" Hence, we have The Cleveland Browns as road favorites in Luke Oil, unheard of.
I need the Colts to win this game, so I don't have to hear all week on ESPN how Peyton Manning is the most important player in the history of any team's success. He is the machine that calls all the plays, has the perfect passing delivery that wills all of his incompetent teammates into the right places to make them winners. He runs the salary cap, got the zoning laws for the new stadium, and bore all the sons of Indiana.
If any star quarterback went down, their team would suck for a while. The Packers were the best team in football last year, then Aaron Rodgers got hurt and they scored 3 points in Detroit. Kerry Collins is old, he had a terrible game in Houston last week, he can beat Colt McCoy. Bottom Line: Indy +2
3 bombs!!!
The Creation of Tebow
Cincinnati +3.5 @ Denver
Things are such a mess in Denver right now, besides the multiple injuries, the fans are chanting the name of Saint H-back to be their starting QB. I like when a season is completely unraveled after one week. A couple of rich fans have pooled up $10,000 to buy a billboard in downtown Denver pleading to make Tim Tebow the starter. Nothing screams having too much money than buying personal billboard space.
Obviously, they do it for publicity which they got. It is the only reason billboards still exist in any city that doesn't average over an hour waiting time during rush hour. It's all so 1950s, the fact that men still have to climb up there and paint billboards every month is mind blowing to me for some reason. John Fox should reply only in billboards and get into an arms race. What would Jesus Do? Keep Tebow on the bench. Bottom Line: Cinncy +3.5
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
This guy will tear you to shreds.
Oakland @ Buffalo -3
A lot is talked about West Coast teams that are forced to travel east for an early Sunday game and their failures. They have gone over the top with this talk about the Raiders this week because they had to play Monday night in Denver's altitude, then back to Oakland and finally Buffalo on a short work week. These teams are not travelling by train across the country. It isn't a 4 day expedition where they will have to fight off Indians and keep wild life from killing their horses. Hell, they don't even have to check in online in time to secure up "A" seating on their Southwest saver. They are professional athletes flying in private chartered jets on lazy boy recliners. It is quicker for the Raiders to leave their house and play in Buffalo then it is if they had to play at San Francisco. None of them would know how to drive themselves around city traffic and set their GPS.
Sometimes the reason these West Coast teams lose out East is because they are the worse team, not because they are jet lagged from their 3 hour plane ride from earlier in the week. I have nothing against the Raiders, except maybe Jason Campbell who is currently in his 7th season of excused terrible football. It amazes me how no one cares how bad Campbell is every year, and teams simply forget every off season that he is awful. This play, though, is more based on what is going on in Buffalo. I know KC is going to be a mess because Father Weiss left them, but they really did dismantle the Chiefs on the road.
Fitzpatrick really came on in Chan Gailey's offense last year and they picked up where they left off. They got younger and better by finally getting rid of Lee Evans, probably because they were sick of looking at him and hearing from everyone else say how he is good.
Steve Johnson is a rising star who started off his career brilliantly by blaming God for dropping a ball. I love him. Their best acquisition was signing former Tequila beater Shawn Merriman. This shrewd move ensured that their defense would have ready access to the best steroids available from the close by Canadian market. Merriman is the drug mule they needed who does not care and will willingly go over the border on a weekly basis to hoard as much steroids as he can jam into his girlfriend's orifices. These Bills strike me as one of those surprise teams that could start off at 6-1 waiting to fall apart only after everyone takes notice of them. Now is the time to ride them. Bottom Line: Buffalo -3
5 Car bombs!!!!
I do not acknowledge the Thursday night concert series that the NFL has conjured up the last couple of years to “kickoff” the football season. The NFL is good at a lot of things, like replacing my deity on the Sabbath, but throwing a party is not one of them. I don’t want Lady Annabellum being introduced by Chris Collinsworth before I decide who to throw money down on. The game never seems real, because drinking and gambling on a Thursday night seems like an appropriate thing to do, and nothing tilts me more than doing the right thing. Gambling on NFL Sunday is the only correct measure, because everything we have been taught tells us it is wrong. And I want fighter jets in the background of my demise.
The first bloody Sunday is upon us as the NFL season opens on September 11th, allowing us to remember all of the fallen heroes who bravely gave their lives so we can scream violently at over sized plasma screens. The military overtones will be in full force this Sunday forcing us to put things in to perspective. Just when you are done plotting the murder of Braylon Edwards for laughing off another dropped touchdown, the team coyly deploys a war hero out of the corner of the end zone reuniting with his unsuspecting wife. It is a stroke of genius that allows for a quick exit strategy of the real reasons why you are crying. No longer are you a degenerate who lost half your bankroll on a lock teaser, but now you are one of the million proud patriots who acknowledge the real fight that is going on. With a clear conscience, I bring you the the first 3 bombs of the NFL season and 1 fully detonated Irish Car bomb explosion of the week.
"You didn’t get shot in Afghanistan Plax, it was at the Latin Quarter nightclub."
Dallas +5.5 vs NY Jets
This game will be the ultimate in military references and Patriotism as the game is played in NYC on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. If the rumors are true and terrorists plan an attack on the anniversary this game could be an obvious target, with the stadium holding Fireman Ed and Jerry Jones. If the stadium is tragically destroyed, only Jones’ 2nd facelift would remain as our blackbox for information. Plaxico Burress had a very timely interview released this week ripping fans and Tom Coughlin for shooting himself. Plax said, “I’m like, forget support — how about some concern? I did just have a bullet in my leg. And then I sat in his office, and he pushed back his chair and goes, ‘I’m glad you didn’t kill anybody!” Plaxidental is hilarious. You do have to love him. You didn’t get shot in Afghanistan Plax, it was at the Latin Quarter nightclub. People forget how hilarious this story was, after shooting himself in the leg, he went to the hospital under an assumed name while his teammate Antonio Pierce was hiding the gun back at his place, and then they played at Washington. I like any plan that is banking on the doctor not being a football fan. “I think it will work Plex, as long as no one at this hospital saw the Super Bowl last year!”
Jets have vowed to win for New York as a tribute to them. That kind of talk was just the dumb thing I needed to hear when I was a square losing bettor. Now, I am an educated, sharp losing bettor. Five and a half is a lot of points with an anemic offense versus a Dallas Terrorist team looking to build off last year’s late season surge. I’m not saying the Terrorists will win, but they will cover. Pick: Terrorists +5.5
3 bombs!
Interception or Touchdown? Doesn't matter to Don. He's just having a good time.
Minnesota +8.5 @ San Diego
This isn’t as much a fade on San Diego’s notorious slow starts as it is on Norv Turner’s pockmarks not holding up in the early Southern California sun. The Vikings are a vastly overlooked team coming into this year as they are only a season removed away from the NFC title game. Picking up this many points should be reserved for the teams that truly deserve them. I am not sure that Vegas has learned that Donovan Mcnabb – while yes, is black – is not Tarvaris Jackson. Pick: Minn +8.5
2 bombs!
Retirement for Carson is looking promising
Cleveland -6 vs. Cincinnati
Marvin Lewis will realize at halftime that he is still the coach of the Bengals, a team where Carson Palmer literally said you could not pay him to play in anymore. A rookie QB starting his first game is one thing, but then you add that Andy Dalton is also a red head then you get a no brainer fade. No one has it worse then red headed men. They are the last form of acceptably bashed people. Outdated sayings like, “beat him like a red headed step child” are still permissable that only brings half empathy for the step child part. Red headed men conjure up thoughts of creepy Amish style children of the corn, while their female counterparts are universally accepted as the ultimate sexual desire. Much like Asians. Pick: Cle -6
3 bombs!!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION OF THE WEEK:
Pete Carroll: Fucking Genius
SF Niners -5.5 vs Seattle
I’m pretty sure that Pete Caroll lobbied for the signing of Tarvaris Jackson so they would be so bad that they would win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. He tried last year by throwing Charlie Whitehurst out there but dumb luck have it they wound up winning the division with 7 wins. Luckily for him the Stanford QB had no need for $50 million this year, and Carroll has a second chance. He’s not going to let this one slip away as he has his team prepared to be embarassed on Sunday; and to rub in to Jim Harbaugh that he will never get Luck and have to start Alex Smith for the next 3 years. He is a genius! Pick: SF -5.5
5 car bombs!!!!
The Christian Laettner of the NFL
Bottom Line: Atlanta +3.5
Bottom Line: Miami -1
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Carolina -2.5 
