The Visitors Locker Room returns from its break this Thursday at 4 PM!
As long time listeners know, we always go on holiday during the short, 15 week college bowl season. But, now, we are back, and we have all the bowl results!
Do you know you hate Tebow, but can’t figure out why?- The VLR is back, to help you understand your feelings. Are you unsure if hockey has started?- we don’t know either, but plan to have an answer by Thursday. Have you been spending the last few months wondering which of the world’s bears you could beat in a fight?- The VLR is back to answer these kind of questions!
New time (Mondays and Thursdays at 4 PM CST), new segments, new mikes, new studio; new everything!
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Fearless Listeners: do not worry, we are still part of the Fearless family and our podcast and blogs will still be available at the traditional URLs. We just happened to locate a studio that is 1) closer to us and 2) across the street from a liquor store, thus we record it there, for broadcast at Fearless.
A lot of websites and media outlets like to waste this week with their tired year in review pieces. It is an easy way to coast through the last week of the year by rummaging up old stories and assigning an arbitrary rank to its importance. It also gives their article a sense of greater importance, as the author can finally insert that perfect line they could not think of when the subject was first discussed. Basically, it's lazy bullshit.
When it comes to the last game of the regular season, 70% of the teams will be phoning in their performance, making the understanding of motivation of the utmost importance. That is why I took it upon myself to travel to the Mecca of lazy destinations to get into the mindset of the vacated NFL player – Mexico.
From the sand, booze, bikinis and $20/hr wifi, I am working hard to be lazy for these special year end bombs. Now, while Lance Briggs and Jared Allen might not have to sit through an 8 hour presentation on timeshares to get their all inclusive breakfast buffet, I'll save a hammock for them.
While it might not be the most creative vacation spot for millionaires, I definitely see the appeal it has to these meat heads. Besides the beautiful scenery that boasts calmness and rowdiness at the same time, it has something even more desirable. An extremely loose restriction law on obtaining pain killers.
Upon entering one Mexican pharmacy for research I came across a pharmacist who could not or would not speak a word of English to me, but he was extremely helpful. After a few rounds of pointless back and forth, he opened up an eighty year old drug reference book to peruse through. Once that ended, the good doctor flipped open the counter tray and invited me to browse through the back room to see if anything jumped out at me.
After passing on a few bottles that came with a needle scotch taped to the side of it, and the one with the tequila worm with X'd out eyeballs as its obviously FDA approved logo, I found my winner. Still not sure of its proper name, but I am certain I heard some scumbag reference it in an "Intervention" episode last year. Most likely it was in a Boston accent, they make the best druggies.
We both agreed that double the market price seemed fair for his VIP treatment and he gave me a final medical look as if to say, do not drink the water unless it is to wash down half a bottle of those numb biscuits.
If I emerge from this, only time will tell, but for now Happy bomb year to us all, and let's meet on the other side.
Dallas +3 @ NY Giants:
This huge prime time game is the really the only one this weekend that matters. Both the Giants and the Cowboys must win or their season is over, which means it is, gasp, a "big game"!
Tony Romo has the unfair perception of choking in "big games", even though he owns the highest 4th quarter QB rating of all time. The fact is he has not played in that many actual "big games", it just seems like it because he is on the high profile Dallas Cowboys.
Romo's Big game performances have been unforgettable
His two memorable playoff meltdowns were when he dropped a hold on an extra point in a loss to Seattle and when he threw a desperation interception to the eventual champion Giants. Dropping an extra point snap is bad, but in his defense it was more Bill Parcells being a prick by still making him hold kicks as the starting quarterback than anything.
Romo has learned from his ways and figured out the game in how to meet the absurdly lofty expectations that comes with being the quarterback for America's team – keep me low.
In a stroke of PR genius, Romo has kept all expectations from him at a minimum because of his trumped up hand injury. Last week, Romo hit his throwing hand on the helmet of an Eagle defender, which did no bone damage but caused natural swelling.
Romo took himself out of the game and positioned himself in front of every camera he could find to flaunt his over swollen hand. It was so ballooned up that it did not seem natural. He must have saved some collagen injections from when he was dating Jessica Simpson and juiced it up at halftime to Hamburger Helper proportions.
Now that no one expects Romo to win, this is where he can shine (until the playoffs, that is).
Bottom line: Cowboys+3
3 bombs!!!
Detroit -3 @ Green Bay:
One of the weakest arguments for final week motivation, is seeding. Teams like Detroit are usually too ecstatic to actually make the playoffs to even know the importance of who they will play. Except for this year.
The Lions are playing for the #5 seed which will mean one thing, avoiding New Orleans in the first round. Nobody wants to play at New Orleans right now, it is a Mardi Gras buzz saw that leaves opponents raped like the media made up about Katrina victims seeking shelter in the Superdome. (honestly, that was a media joke, not a rape or hurricane bit; thoughts and prayers people)
The Packers don't want THIS to happen again
The Packers enter this mop up game with #1 seed locked up, and only have to play for nonsensical vague concepts like "momentum" and the "integrity of the game".
If the league was really concerned about the integrity of the game, then it would abolish the money making pre season. Momentum is equally laughable in football, where games are played six full days apart. Guess what kills momentum more than resting starters? Injured starters.
The Packers have one goal this week, keep the greatest quarterback on the planet healthy. Green Bay will wisely rest MVP Aaron Rodgers and a handful of other starters this Sunday.
It is true that the Packers are an extremely deep and talented roster that makes them champions. It is also true that their roster becomes worthless if Rodgers gets hurt.
It is not the Packers fault, it is the way thee league is set up now. There are a 5 or 6 elite quarterbacks on the planet, and if a team does not have one, they are screwed... see the Colts.
Bottom line: Detroit -3
2 bombs!!
Tampa Bay +11.5 @ Atlanta:
By the time the Lions game is over, Atlanta will know their destiny of having to play at New Orleans for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. Even if the Packers somehow win, Atlanta has a strange attraction to losing to the Saints, so they will look forward to their 12th attempt at revenge.
The key motivation angle in this matchup is on the other sideline with Tampa Bay, the playing for the coach one. Sometimes players will rally at the end of a failed season to save their coach's job in a last ditch effort to make up for their own bad play.
"I wouldn't fire me... not in this economy"
This is not the case with Buc's coach Raheem Morris. The players want him to go, proving this by losing their last 9 games in comical blowouts. Morris has realized this and took a rarely used aggressive tactic to keep his job.
The young coach has combatted reporters, thrown his players under the bus, and even stated that he would not fire himself if he was the owner. It is the new Donald Trump "Apprentice" method of keeping a job one does not deserve.
That show is great, because it teaches people how to be an asshole in the work place and place blame on others. No better lesson can be learned than watching Trump belittle a Tropicana model for being a team player and volunteering herself to be fired instead of her teammates she is trying to fight for.
Sorry Meatloaf, this week Raheem Morris will Star Jones himself into another season of an undeserved gig.
Bottom Line: Tampa Bay +11.5
2 bombs!!
Mexican drug cartel tequila bomb of the week:
San Diego + 3 @ Oakland:
The last false motivational themed game is when one team is playing another that "has to win". This is the case where the Raiders, who somehow are still playoff eligible, simply must win this game to keep hopes alive.
Fist bump! It's my going away party, bitchezzzz!!!!
We all must do a lot of things before the year ends, but that does not mean we are going to. We must start living right and hit the gym this final week to really get our money's worth for our yearly membership.
Come the first quarter the Raiders will hit up Bally's with full confidence that they are turning things around. When the second half rolls around, or Thursday, they will be extremely sore and perfectly content with not being a model.
The Raiders have played in a lot of must win games all season, this just happens to be the last one.
Mexican drug cartel tequila bomb of the week: Chargers +3
5 tequila bombs!!!!!
Christmas time does not have the same excitement it did when we were children. The gifts are not for us anymore, there are no GameBoys or Cowboy & Indian figures to look forward to under the tree. Now, it is a costly obligation that we hope to get over with as quickly as possible.
It still is a great season where we can reflect and try to be with the people we love, but it doesn’t contain the same sense of hope that we were fed at an earlier age. We used to believe in wonderful magical people every December, like Santa Claus or Jesus. Now we know that if there is a an obese elderly man with a white beard that allows children to sit in his lap, he is more likely to write for the Philadelphia Daily News and molest our kids than fit through a chimney.
DO NOT SIT ON THIS SANTA'S LAP
When one starts to apply facts and science to the story of Jesus, it seems pretty silly that we never get ridiculed for still believing in him once we reach our teen years. The difference is , unlike with the Santa story, there is never the asshole kid who runs around the playground telling everyone that Jesus isn’t real and it’s only a story that everyone’s parents made up. With the story of Jesus, parents continue the lie until their deathbeds and the world chimes in that we shouldn’t listen to that motherless bastard Scott from 3rd grade.
Basically, the difference between those that are worshiped on the religious level to those who perform incredible acts is abstinence. If one does the impossible, like walk on water, rise from the dead, or run option in the NFL, he might be related to God so long as he doesn’t fornicate. David Blaine has those same levetation skills and can turn water into the Ace of spades tricks, but he is a creep who uses his powers for dark, dark, sex.
The point is, that Christmas is here- and because it falls on a weekend this year we get a full slate of NFL games on Saturday! By the way, Jesus is aware that I am joking and is completely not bothered by this. I emailed his people a heads up before this article was published, and he said its fine- Denver is a trap game this week, and Merry Bombs to us all!
NY Jets -3 vs NY Giants: If one was not already aware, New York City is the most important thing in the world. Everything that happens there is better than whatever it is we are doing right now. Enjoying a slice of pizza? Well, it would be a lot better if we were eating it at Ray’s in New Yawk. Hey Bejing, nice try eating that slop over there, everyone knows real Chinese food can only be found in the Big Apple.
This week’s battle between the two New York teams that will be played in both team’s home stadium in New Jersey, is the greatest example of what New York does best, talk arrogantly. The game is hyped as who will be the King of New York, or who will be a .500 team.
The game is important for playoff standings, only because both teams have choked down the stretch and are limping into this all important battle for Broadway. New York is important in the sports world, because they are loud and annoying. Both teams, and their huge media contingent, are shocked when they realize that Super Bowls just can’t be bought like everything else can in New York.
Whenever a player fails in New York, the go to excuse that media uses is that the player can not handle the “big stage” of New York City. Yeah, those lights are a bit too bright for that small town Mark Sanchez, he’s just not used to the show. Sanchez was a 21 year old star in Los Angeles at USC when he won the Rose Bowl. He constantly dates gorgeous super model after the next. Mark Sanchez can handle the media attention, New York just can’t handle that maybe he is not that good.
NEW YORK IS BIG
The good news for the Jets this week, is that they are playing a team that thrives on the same philosophy as them, empty talk. The Giants have no choice but to engage in the hype of this game and they have tried to battle with Rex Ryan and his Jets in a war of words all week. Bad move. No body is better at pointless bragging, than Rex Ryan.
The reason why the Jets and Giants have to constantly predict big things and talk huge games, is because the city loves Joe Namath. Namath’s story is legendary as he guaranteed a Super Bowl victory as an 18 point underdog 40 years ago. The thing is, Namath was drunk and poolside trying to screw hippie chicks when he ran off his mouth- perfectly acceptable.
Jets will walk the talk on Christmas Eve and prove to everyone that if you can make it here you can make it to the 6 seed in the AFC. Bottom Line: Jets-3 3 bombs!!!!
Miami +9.5 @ New England: One of the best parts of the end of the season is when dissapointing teams get ancy and go ahead and fire their coach before the season actually ends. It is truly enjoyable because it sets up the great “interim” coach tenure.
The interim coach can really hurt one’s franchise. Sometimes they will reward a long time coordinator, who the players love, to finish out the string. This is currently happening in Kansas City with Romeo Crennel, and they are in danger of making the playoffs. That would be bad because the fans will pressure ownership to keep Crennel on as coach because he turned the team around, thus setting back the franchise another 6 years.
Sometimes, teams will annoint someone they know will have no chance of ever being hired, like some grizzled special team coach who has a metal hip, looks extremely uncomftorable in a suit, and just swears up a storm at his introductory press conference. It’s great to see them get their chance, maybe the boys win one for him, but then we get to forget about them. Interim coaches are basically the NFL’s version of Make-A-Wish foundation.
The Dolphins deperately want their team to rival their basketball counterpart, the Heat, as a sexy, star-studded destination team. Right now they need someone to hold down the fort before they get their star.
SOMEONE SAID I WAS THE COACH OF THE DOLPHINS
The Miami Dolphins found a perfect lame duck coach to fill in for the fired Tony Sporano, in Todd Bowles. Bowles is not a “football lifer” who has been waiting forever to get his shot at coach. He is a fairly young secondary coach and played pretty recently in the League. Bowles even admitted that there are 3 or 4 current coaches on the staff who would be much better candidates. Players speak as if they barely knew who he was, even after he led them to victory last week at Buffalo.
That is why he is perfect. Players like him, but they are not really going to listen to him. And that is great news for Bowles too, because he does not plan on telling them anything. He knows he has zero chance of becoming the Dolphins new pernament head coach, so he is just going to enjoy the front seat of the bus. There is nothing more dangerous than an uncoached NFL team. Bottom Line: Dolphins +9.5 2 bombs!!!
Atlanta +7 @ New Orleans: Poor Dan Marino. The Hall of Fame QB and ex-Dolphin great is about to have the only thing he still cares about ripped away from him- his passing records.
Marino never won a Super Bowl, but he is still able to live on as one of the all time greats because of his numerous passing records. Marino needs his records so he can continue to be a meathead in life and cash paychecks at CBS.
PLEASE DREW, I HAVE NO OTHER SKILLS
He is the kind of guy that must aimlessly walk the hallways while the staff does work to prepare for their weekly pre-game show, only to stop in to a cubicle to cropdust the intern. Marino’s days of playing grab ass and raving about the new Jeff Dunham DVD his kids bought him are in jeopardy.
I have never been a believer that a QB must of have won a Super Bowl to be considered great, except when it comes to Marino. Mainly, because it seems that Marino is so bothered by the fact, it seems like the perfect dopey argument for an idiotic debate. There is no way Jeff Hostettler or Trent Dilfer were better than Marino, but don’t let him know that.
Most of his all time records have been surpassed by either Peyton Manning or Brett Favre, and now he can only cling to his single season records. This too, will be destroyed by Drew Brees, as he only needs 318 yards to beat him.
Drew Brees is amazingly underrated as an elite QB, as he has consistently put up Brady and Rodgers type numbers for six consecutive years now. Luckily for Dan, Brees is known for being a hell of a humanitarian and will still answer Marino’s unwanted text messages.
Brees knows that he has 2 games to break Marino’s record, and he will be the nice guy that he is known for, and not ruin Dan’s Christmas by killing his legacy on Monday Night. Bottom Line: Atlanta +7 2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:
Minnesota +6.5 @ Washington: Speaking of ruining the holidays, there is nothing more that Grinch Shannahan enjoys for his Redskins to do. It seems like every season, Washington starts off with some hope, and immediately tail off, only to rally to play the coveted “spoiler” role”
Most teams begin training camp, spewing the tired line that their only goal is to “win the Super Bowl” and everything else would be a failure. The Redskins realize the absurdity of such lofty goals , and set their sights lower, destroying other pompous teams’ uncatchable dreams.
MIKE SHANAHAN WILL EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS DREAMS
Shanahan sets up his roster with a plethera of mediocre talent that is interchangeable, so it can remain fresh for the home stretch of the year. When this season seemed to be getting off track, and Washington threatened to actually take down the very winnable NFC East, he calmly benched his QB for John Beck and inserted 4th string running back Ryan Torain.
Now Rex Grossman and Roy Helu is back, and they continued their formula of upsetting the Giants last week in an attempt to knock them out of the playoffs. Next week, they might have an incredible opportunity to end the hated Eagles season for the 6th time this year.
This sets up the rare “spoiler sandwich” game this week, where their opponent, the Vikings, have no chance of making the post season. Washington realizes that the only way to ruin the Vikings season is to let them win and further hurting their draft position. You’re a mean one, Mr. Shanahan. Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Minnesota +6.5 5 bombs!!!
The NFL's recent domination of media attention took a minor setback with the announcement of the end of the NBA lockout. Finally, a sports story came out that did not take place inside of a Happy Valley shower that merited talking about other than Yahweh Tittle Tebow himself.
Much like the fake NFL lockout, no one was really sure what is was all about. NBA teams were upset when their star players would leave their dull cities to go play with their friends in new exciting towns. When Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony fled Cleveland and Denver for Miami and New York, owners cried "small market" foul.
The NBA is not Major League Baseball, where the small market teams literally can not afford to pay for superstars. Cleveland had plenty of money to offer Lebron James, and they did, he just couldn't live in Cleveland anymore. I know a lot of Cleveland fans who were furious with James' Decision to move to a nicer city to work a better job, none of those people still live in Cleveland.
That is what makes the NBA problem more personal to the owners and fans. It is not about an unfair system of economics, it is about them and their lives. Players are not chasing a dream and moving on as much as they are running away from them.
Most of the same problems still exist, as the only tweaking the NBA did was allowing the original boring team to offer more money to their star than others are allowed. An extra $20 million in cap space is not going to help Orlando convince Dwight Howard how living his entire 20s in Disney World is equally as exciting as being a young superstar in New York City.
The only way for small market teams to be able to keep their best players is to simply find a boring superstar who doesn't want or even know of a better way. Basically, one needs to find the next Tim Duncan.
The Spurs are the best dynasty in sports who simply get it. They won four championships fully embracing the "boring" philosophy. From their convention center town, to their droopy islander power forward, and interchangeable European underhanded scoop shooting guards, the Spurs love to bore. Boring stays put, and the bombs move on.
New England -7 @ Denver:
The Tim Tebow phenomenon is made for ESPN. The sports monopoly channel loves to shove athletes down our throats and then engage in week long empty debates about them.
ESPN fully embraced Tebow in college when they would endlessly hype up him as the great moral character and leader he seems to be. So much so, that it naturally created a flip side of people that grew to resent Tebow for all of his endless idolization he received.
Judgement day for the Denver Tebows?
Once ESPN squeezed every drop of converted water into wine from the college star, almost everyone now despised him and wished for his failure in the pros. ESPN quickly obliged, and went on the attack, unleashing all of their meat dope analysts to scream through the television how he is not a pro quarterback. They "Favre'd" him.
Now that Tebow's unconventional style of play has captured the nation with a series of incredible fourth quarter comeback wins, ESPN was only happy to flip sides. For the last month, they have only talked about Tebow and the magical events that occur around him.
ESPN's morning fake debate show, "First Take", stars the ultimate personality that defines their brand, Skip Bayless. For weeks, the show is Skip Bayless screaming at different black guys about how great Tim Tebow is.
Bayless and ESPN do not care what side of a debate they are on, as long as it is a side. What makes the show hilarious is when a new panelist is brought in to battle with Bayless, and they have no idea what the rules are. Usually it is an ex coach or journalist who enters with logical points and a reasonable sense of perspective. That doesn't fly with Skip.
The point is that this Tim Tebow thing is ready to pop again and turn in the opposite direction, so ESPN can "move the needle". Now many have tried to stone the Christback in the last 2 months, and they have failed.
This is because their own evil could not measure up to the level of moral good that is Tebow, and they were blinded by Him. To beat Tebow, one must be fully commited to the darkness and thrive in the destruction of any form of deity. Our gambling Dark Lord arrives this Sunday in the form of the hooded horseman, Bill Belichick.
Belichick already began playing the part early during the week by giving his usual false compliments to Tebow to soften him up for the slaying. He said not only does he have great skills but that Tebow is a lot like Mike Vick, maybe because watching Tim play is akin to dog torture.
Bottom Line: New England -7 3 bombs!!!!
Cleveland +6.5 @ Arizona:
One good thing that has come out of all the media attention given to Tebow is that teams can get away with anything they want and no one will care, like hiding brain injuries.
Browns QB Colt McCoy suffered a severe crashing of his brain last week from the helmet of Steeler hit man James Harrison. Harrison makes a living off damaging light armed quarterbacks brains and continues to get fined or suspended for inducing numerous concussions. He simply can not help himself, it is what he does, and he is very good at doing it. He hurts players brains, and everyone knows it.
Put me back in, coach!
Everyone watched McCoy suffer an obvious concussion and get knocked unconscious late in their game versus the Steelers. Backup Seneca Wallace entered and dangerously put the Browns within scoring distance. Wallace apparently wanted to win the game, which would severely damage the Browns draft positioning.
Browns management was on to this, and they called for an immediate stop by re-entering Colt McCoy into the game. Colt quickly saved the day by finishing the game with mental capacity of a George Romero zombie. Colt quickly threw interception after interception with loose Chow Mein bouncing around his head, thus sealing the all important Browns loss.
General Manager Mike Holmgren was asked the obvious question this week, of why he would allow a man to play an NFL game with temporary brain damage. Holmgren responded that McCoy told them he hurt his elbow and everything seemed to be fine. Really Mike? You asked the trauma victim if he was okay? Did you not see the 45 replays of the confirmed brain killing Linebacker destroy your franchise's cerebellum?
I'm sure McCoy did say that, because he didn't want to lead on that he had a concussion and appear soft to his teammates. He also probably said that because part of his brain was still inside his helmet.
This week, actual doctors will not allow McCoy to play, thus giving Seneca Wallace his second chance at victory. Wallace does not care about the future of the Browns, as he clearly will not be a part of it, so he will set his mind to winning.
Bottom Line: Browns +6.5
2 bombs!! Oakland +1.5 vs Detroit:
The Detroit Lions are the new kid who transfers into your high school and tries to portray a false tough guy image. It is a defense mechanism, because deep down they are scared and in overwhelmingly frightening circumstances of trying to meet new friends who already have their established cliques.
The Lions have not been a good team in a long time, and now that they are they seem to be going out of their way to tell everyone how mean they are. The Lions play dirty, and relish in their self appointed role as mean bullies.
What... no good?
Detroit won last week's game on a blatant illegal face mask tackle, but the refs did not call the infraction because they believe in the lie. It is an easy image to portray because of the city the team dwells in is so downtrodden. This lie works on some teams that don't know any better.
This week they play a real tough guy in Oakland. Oakland is also a horrible city that has no future, but they never feel the need to cry about it and make commercials begging America to still buy their products.
Oakland has served real hard time, and they do not want to discuss it. The only thing they hate more than their rich preppy San Francisco neighbors, are fake hard guys.
This Sunday, the Raiders will silently knock out the Lions and force their father to finally enroll them into military school to shape up.
Bottom Line: Raiders +1.5
2 bombs!!!!! Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week
Seattle +3.5 @ Chicago:
The Chicago Bears are a desperate team that is watching their playoff aspirations slip away. Their two best players, Jay Cutler and Matt Forte, have been sidelined for the year, and they are in a current free fall in need of help.
The Bears got their secret weapon this week in reserve wide receiver and drug lord Sam Hurd. Hurd was arrested this week trying to purchase nearly $1 million worth of cocaine and marijuana a week from a federal agent. He was building an entire drug cartel in the city of Chicago, with plans of nationwide expansion, and the Bears stupidly let him go.
CLACK! CLACK! Motha***kaaaaaaa!!!!
All the ownership had to do, was take the money they were not paying Fort with, use it to bail out Sam Hurd, and then start him this week versus Seattle. What Seahawk defender in their right mind would try to hurt, let alone tackle a known drug king pin that could have their family murdered before halftime?
Sam Hurd is a man who only plays professional football to keep the government away and stay on the grid. He is not someone even NFL players are willing to fuck with.
He actually has always had immense talent, but never wanted to start because it would garner too much attention and possibly effect his real bread maker, heavy narcotic selling.
Local media was mad that he was doing this alleged drug deal days before the biggest game of the season. Local drug dealers were more irate that he was playing in a meaningless game on punt coverage before the biggest drug deal of the season.
The Chicago Bears are not to be blamed for not knowing about Hurd's alternative life, because that is what his business is all about. Sam Hurd is the real deal, a living breathing Scarface, and the Bears lucked into having him on their roster.
Unfortunately, the Bears caved into public outcry and decided that employing a drug monster isn't the best PR move... have fun watching the playoffs goody two shoes.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Seattle +3.5
5 bombs!!!!!
The NFL season is a long grind where the weeks seem to bleed into one another. After 3 months of battling, we enter the part that matters, "December football". December football is cold and tough, nothing like those fake games teams were just fooling around with during the last 13 weeks. In December, conditions are so dire that teams are forced to inch out every yard in a frozen state of championship grudge matches.
Oh man, those analysts love talking about what a different brand of football December football has to be. According to the media, all of the world class talent and sophisticated pass offenses will be useless at the first sight of snowfall.
The League is completely different now, where one must throw the ball to win, and somehow Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady still find ways to use their Hall of Fame arms in colder weather. It is always hilarious to me when teams plan their offensive philosophy around what the average temperature in their city is in December and not the actual talent that they possess.
TALENT IS MEANINGLESS ON ICE
That is why Tim Tebow's victories still anger people, not because he runs, but because he does it in October. Take advantage of the sun Tim, and throw the ball.
Another thing people do is handicap games with the city in mind. "No way can those boys from Tampa Bay play in the frozen tundra, they're gonna get killed". Yes they will, but it will be because the Packers are a much better team. Nobody is from Green Bay. The players don't work in the Packing Houses in Milwaukee and then play on Sundays for the company. Everyone in the League is from Florida, California or Texas. They all hate the cold, but they are still going to play great football, and then get the hell out of that freezing city when the season is over.
Which does lead to one point that December football does bring up, and that is which team wants this miserable experience to be over with. It is difficult to judge as it can be a week to week thing.
Take the Buffalo Bills for instance. For some reason they decided to play an inspired game against the Jets 2 weeks ago because personal pride stepped in as they were sick of losing. They then followed that up by being terrible again last week at home as I'm sure the disgust set in of seeing their miserable fans braving the cold weather to simply watch them. The thought of having to live there for a full calender year terrified them and they made sure there would not be any chance of a playoff game that would extend their season.
The bottom line bombs hit the rookie wall and put in 2 consecutive very shameful winless weeks. Somehow, even after those 2 terrible setbacks, we are still on the plus side and can finish out strong. If only we can figure out...Decembahhh!
Seattle -4.5 vs. St. Louis:
Monday Night Football has been so awful this year, it seems to be daring "Murphy Brown" to come back to give it ratings competition. No matter how bad the match-ups have been this season (and they have been putrid) people will still watch it.
The NFL is challenging any network to have a show that will out-rate the Jaguars being on twice in a month. Last week ESPN admitted to not even flying a blimp to Jacksonville for their aerial coverage, and simply spliced in footage of North Carolina they had. I'm not even sure if last week's game was actually played, but I know people watched it.
PLEASE WATCH THE "SING OFF"
This Monday, two more bad teams will be playing, and the Rams are terrified of being seen. No one on St. Louis wants family and friends to know that they are on this year's pathetic Rams team, and the NFL's cruel joke of playing them on prime time is going to jeopardize that.
The Rams quarterbacks are fighting back the only way they know how, by trying their damndest to be inactive for the game. Sam Bradford and A.J. Feeley have both refused to practice all week with self claimed injuries. Sometimes they don't get their story straight and say they have each other's problem. "Knee? Elbow? Whatever, I just couldn't give it a go, looks like the owners booth for me on Sunday"
This angered the media, because now they had to do actual research on who was the 3rd string quarterback. The answer to that is apparently Tom Brandstater, exactly the kind of name one would think to be the third guy on a horrible team. If this guy actually exists, no one really knows, but the NFL doesn't care, because we will watch their story anyway.
Bottom Line: Seattle -4.5
3 bombs!!!
Oakland +11.5 @ Green Bay:
The Green Bay Packers are famous for many things in the League, mainly a proud tradition and its annoyingly naive Wisconsin fan base. Wisconsin is the ultimate mid western state of whiteness. From its dairy love, morbid obesity, and its bullshit politeness, it creates a uniquely annoying football fan.
The fans believe that not only is their team better than everyone else's (which sadly they are) but that their beliefs are on a higher level as well. They want to think their team is on a higher moral ground than the rest of the League, because the fans too, are part owners.
CEO OF THIS COMPANY
This is where the great history of the Packers and the extreme blind following of their fans come together in beautiful matrimony. The Packers remain the only publicly owned team in the NFL. Every 8 years or so, the real Packer ownership decide they need to upgrade their stadium. Instead of flipping the costly bill with their own money, they have a meaningless stock sale to raise money.
Last Tuesday, they sold 250,000 shares at $275 a pop to raise over $20 million for their renovation project. Normally when one buys a stock, it is an investment with chances of the value increasing or at least a dividend. What does one get with this purchased stock? Good question, investors. Well, one receives a piece of paper that declares you an "official team owner!" That's not all, we can also attend the annual stockholder meeting and get access to owner-only merchandise to purchase.
I once received a certificate from President Ronald Reagan when I was in grade school for Excellence in Athletic achievement for not skipping any gym classes one year. I am positive that Reagan signed it himself, and was very proud of my efforts. He only rubber stamped the other kids who got one. I was the winner, and it said so right there in writing. I was proud and obnoxious, but I was also 9.
I am all for being a bragging asshole, but there is no need to bring paperwork into the fray. I will not spend money to act like a jerk, that is all of our rights as Americans. That and violence. Here's to hoping some Raider fans make the trip to voice their displeasure with 90.000 owners.
Bottom Line: Oakland +11.5
2 bombs!!!
NY Giants +3.5 @ Dallas:
The Dallas Cowboys have been known for great trios throughout the years. During their dominance in the 90s it was famously: Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmit Smith. Many say they were the best football triplets because of their varied personalities, yet ability to come together for the one goal of championships.
However, this year's Cowboy trio is equally as talented in achieving their goal, that being hilarious losses. The trio is owner Jerry Jones who writes the script, coach Jason Garret, director, and finally its slapstick player in Tony Romo.
JERRY IS LOOKING FOR HIS NEXT GREAT TRIO
Each week Jones complains about how his first year coach Garret is running the Cowboys offense. One week it is too risky, the next too conservative. It is what Jerry Jones does. He armchair quarterbacks after the fact and says his way is better, even if his way changes week to week.
Normally Cowboy coaches don't listen to him, but they make him happy by saying they will consider his tips until they get fired. Garret, however, is playing the comedy director position perfectly by actually listening to him and allowing Romo to play out the hilarity.
Last Sunday, with the game tied and a minute remaining, Garret tried all of the advice at once during the would be game winning drive. First he went with Reckless Romo, and that got Dallas down to the 34 yard line with 25 seconds remaining. Next, he went with careful Romo as he let the clock go down to 2 seconds, because he was terrified of asking him to get them the additional needed 10 yards for a safe field goal.
Finally, Garret stepped out on his own and decided to dial up his own bit by freezing his own kicker. He called a timeout the second before his kicker drilled the game winning kick, thus nullifying the victory.
Usually it is the opponent who tries to get in the kickers head by calling a timeout right before the play, forcing him to make it twice. Everyone usually screams how it does not work, because it gives the kicker time to set up and get in a practice kick.
The idea that it messes with the fragile kickers head is outdated, as modern kickers have become extremely good at their jobs. But what if your own coach goes for the freeze? Then what is he trying to say? Who knows, but it's hilarious.
Bottom Line: Giants +3.5
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:
San Diego -7 vs. Buffalo:
Norv Turner knows how to not make a scene and get kicked out of the party. The Chargers head coach has coached the most games in NFL history with a losing record, but he never gets fired.
Turner knows exactly the bare minimum required every season it will take to keep his job. He is basically what most Americans do every day at the office. Just enough work that it doesn't raise any red flags to the bosses, making sure the time sheets are filled out and getting in on time. Then he takes a nap in the bathroom for an hour.
WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
Every year the Chargers are acknowledged by all as having one of the most talented rosters on the League, and then accepted for failing to make the playoffs. Usually, the path Turner chose was to start the year off terribly and then catch fire having to play make up the rest of the way.
That way if they do fall short, he is not blamed because everyone remembers how great they played at the end of the year, so they are excited for the next season. He basically wins the last 30 seconds of the round, like Sugar Ray Leonard, to fool the judges into thinking he was trying the whole way.
This year, the bosses were on to his tricks, so Turner needed to switch things up a bit. So he decided to start the team off hot by going 4-1. Once expectations began to rise, Turner coyly tempered them down by going on a pathetic rare mid season 5 game losing streak.
Now is when Turner knows its time to get that report in early and make sure the boss sees his car in the lot an hour early. Time to blend into the party with some meaningless wins.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Chargers -7
5 bombs!!!!!
Atlanta -2.5 @ Houston:
The Houston Texans have a big problem. They are having their best season in franchise history, but after another injury they enter the final month in need of a quarterback. Since the trade deadline has passed, they are forced to pull out "the list".
"The List" is composed of nearly dead ex quarterbacks who are no longer in the League that one has to call at home to convince them out of retirement. Teams have to pick the name of a quarterback that appeases the fans enough in to thinking that their season isn't lost.
Brett Favre, Jeff George, David Garrard, J.P. Lossman, and Patrick Ramsey are names that get batted around only to be told by them that they have no interest of playing terribly again in front of people. Eventually, some one in the office brings up the name that silences the room...Jeff Garcia.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT SOME GARCIA
Nobody wants Jeff Garcia, despite the fact that he wants to play football and is actually pretty good at playing it. The problem is that football thinks he is gay thus making their team appear gay. Fans are torn rooting for his effective, yet effeminate style of quarterbacking, not to mention his German techno DJ physical appearance.
Jeff Garcia has played for 9 different teams in 3 separate professional leagues because of footballs meat head mentality. He has been forced to scream to football that he is not gay. Besides fielding direct questions about it, his agent made him marry a Playboy bunny to ease football's mind.
Houston was not about to risk signing him for their Texas fans, so they selected good ol boy Jake Delhomme off "the list" Jake is a southern man who hunts who somehow once went to a Super Bowl, who is not good. Perfect fit.
Bottom Line: Atlanta-2.5
3 bombs!!!
New England -20 vs Indianapolis:
A lot has been made of the spread in this mismatch of a game between the worst team in the League against the best team. Rarely in professional football is there ever a spread as high as 20 points. In fact it has only happened ten times since 1978.
The favorites have only covered twice out of those 10 times, usually because their coaches are human and have some empathy towards their fellow players. Bill Belichick is not one of those coaches.
Last week a reporter rightfully asked Belichick how he can gauge themselves on their play against a winless team, and he berated her in his robotic evil tone.
He is a true jerk in every sense and who posses zero human feelings. He is a coach one can trust putting one's money on and laugh along as he runs up the score and crush the spirits of any weakling in his way.
Bottom Line: New England -20
2 bombs!!!
Detroit +9.5 @ New Orleans:
Last week Lions DT Ndamukong Suh got into a fight while playing in a football game, and apparently that calls for a suspension and therapy. It is perfectly fine to get into a series of car crash collisions with player's brains for 3 hours, but if one kick someone after the whistle there must be something wrong with him.
The NFL suspended Suh for 2 games and people are demanding that he goes to Anger Management class to help his rehabilitation. He plays professional football. It is a violent sport, played by extremely large and vicious men. Suh is not getting into road rage incidents and snapping off at people around the office when they say dumb things like "Do you have enough Bandwidth?"
THIS MAN HAS EXTREME ANGER ISSUES
The problem with what Suh did, was that he did his kicking incident on Thanksgiving. Families were watching, and they were outraged that they had to explain to their kids not to do things like that. Nothing infuriates parents more than having to talk to their children.
This game is at night, and all the kids should be asleep for the dirty Lions to frolic.
Bottom Line: Detroit +9.5
2 bombs!!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
Buffalo -1.5 vs. Tennessee:
An even bigger crime in the NFL than getting in a fight after the play is over, is to dance. Bills Wide Receiver Stevie Johnson scored a touchdown last Sunday and then proceeded to mock Plaxico Burress in his celebration dance.
Johnson was flagged 15 yards and the Jets scored on the ensuing drive before halftime to tie the game up. Meat dopes at ESPN, like Merrill Hoge, called for the young star to be released. Nothing angers old school football players more than celebration dances, it enrages them.
Hoge went on about how he cost the team the victory with his antics. He didn't even mention the fact that he actually did cost them the game when he dropped a would be game winning touchdown pass at the end of the game. I'm sure Hoge is convinced that the reason why he did drop the pass is because he was thinking about what dance he wanted to do next.
DANCE ON THE GROUND DANCE ON THE GROUND
No one talks about what happened after the penalty either. Johnson's penalty was 15 yards. It helped the Jets, sure, but it was not the reason why they scored. The Bills kicker slipped, ad hit the ball off his shin for a total of 12 yards giving the ball to the jets on the 32 yard line. Wasn't his fault though, he couldn't stop thinking about Johnson's dance and how classless it was. How could he concentrate and kick the ball after that display?
What is funny about the Johnson dance routine is that what he did was not illegal until he slipped and went to the ground. That is the NFL rule towards celebration penalties. The player is allowed to do whatever he wants with choreography provided he is alone and does not go to the ground. I have no idea why they think going to the turf is too much, but doing a salsa dance is not.
Theoretically, Johnson could do his one man jazz dance on top of the goal posts if he wanted to. There is no rule about going up as high as possible, as Packer players routinely jump into the stands for their celebrations.
Hopefully Stevie Johnson will have learned his lesson after getting fined $10,000 and stay off the ground during this weeks many dances.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Bills -1.5
5 bombs!!!!!!!
Thanksgiving football weekend has grown bigger through the years putting us through the full gamut of holiday emotions. The NFL has recently added a 3rd night game to follow Detroit and Dallas and give us another opportunity to not talk to our families. The games itself, really represents who we and our shameful families are.
It started off in the morning with the upstart Lions hosting the World Champ Packers. This was supposed to be the year when the Lions game finally was not awful leaving us questioning why we must suffer through them every Thanksgiving.
The Lions are like our fuck up brother who is trying to hold it together but always on the verge of snapping every holiday. We finally let him host the dinner because things looked promising this year. He has a good defense and a new younger girlfriend that seems to be settling him down. We thought he would be ready to step up and host the Packers this year. But the second Dad questions his play calling , he freaks out and steps on an offensive lineman kicking everyone out before its even 2 o clock.
Luckily our Aunt Dallas Cowboys fully anticipated Detroit's blowup and reviled the fact that we had to come crawling to her for dinner. We go back to her every time, because we know she will put up a good spread. There will be a lot of pretentious table settings, judgment on life decisions, and a rite of passage uninspired victory for the Cowboys.
WE ARE ALL THE HARBAUGHS
The Harbaugh brother battle between Baltimore and San Francisco was when all hell broke loose. While our Aunt Dallas allowed to us partake in minimal wine and beer consumption to celebrate her home, the night game turns it up a notch. This is the game where we all over stay our welcome and get into the hard liquor. All family members start fighting after the full day of consuming passive aggressiveness.
Parents tried to stay neutral and wear jerseys that supported both siblings, but ultimately its a drunken therapy screaming session of who was loved more. The truth is we all hate each other, and we will see you in Christmas. Now on to emotional bombs!
San Diego -5.5 vs Denver: This game will answer the question that really was never asked in recent time. Is it better to have a quarterback that refuses to throw the ball at all or one that refuses to throw the ball to his own team?
Tim Tebow continues to win games for Denver by using leadership, divine character, occasional good runs and a suddenly incredible defense. Media members are completely torn with their criticism of Tebow. On one hand they know, that he is a terrible quarterback, whose unconventional running style is not built for long time success. On the other hand, they do not want to go to hell, if Tebow hears whispers of their criticisms, since Saint H-Back has a direct line to God.
TEBOW DOESN'T MIND IF YOU HATE HIM
Writers go out of their way to say that Tebow is a great person and they are actually rooting for him to do good. They go on and on about his "presence" and "leadership" and tip toe around the fact that he does not throw a forward pass in a 2011 NFL football game. Just once I would love Peter King to open his MMQB column with, "Tim Tebow is a terrible person, but a great Quarterback."
Phillip Rivers is playing the quarterback position in opposite fashion, where he has gone out of his way this year to throw countless interceptions in situations where it even seemed impossible.
Just when his team was coming back against the Bears last week, Rivers threw a game ending pick when everyone thought he was just throwing it away. He dares defensive backs to always be ready, because one never knows when Rivers is going to dial up their number. Rivers will then blame any of his receivers that were in the vicinity of running the wrong route by berating them.
Rivers is a great person, but a terrible quarterback. The good guy wins this week. Bottom Line : San Diego -5.5 3 bombs!!!
St Lois -2.5 vs Arizona: Some of the best parts of a winding down NFL season is when bad teams start to throw random guys on the field to play quarterback.
Ever since Kurt Warner retired, the Cardinals have trotted out a roster of guys that have to been plucked from some fall Cactus League baseball roster who swear they "can wing it". Men with names like Max Hall, Derek Anderson and John Skelton
HE IS A BETTER OPTION THAN TOMMIE FRAZIER
.
When Skelton, subbing for an injured Kevin Kolb, inevitably failed last week, the Cards were at it again. Arizona played a man named Richard Bartel without any explanation just hoping we wouldn't notice. Announcers play along and act like nothing as happened as well by casually saying, "So Bartell will enter the game now". What? Who the hell is Bartell? Where did he go to school? (Answer: Tartelton State) Are you making this person up?
When one thinks of all the great college QBs that were never given a chance to play in the NFL, because we were told they simply are not a "pro style QB", just watch 'ol Dick Bartel. The Rams are bad, but I know Sam Bradford actually exists. Bottom Line : St. Louis -2.5 2 bombs!!
Tampa Bay +3.5 @ Tennessee: On the flip side of no name quarterbacks playing these meaningless games is the insertion of a rookie that the team has invested their future in to. Usually a team, will sign a veteran QB to begin the transition phase to their first round pick, with no aspirations that the veteran would be a long term solution.
The Titans did this when they signed Matt Hasselbeck to be the lame duck signal caller until they believed rookie Jake Locker would be ready. Last week, with the Titans season well on its way down to insignificance, Locker stepped in for an injured Hasselbeck and breathed some fresh life into the lineup.
So, naturally the Titans would let Locker finish the remaining games so they can see what they have with him and give their fans something to look forward to for the future.
HASSELBECK HATES THE FUTURE
The problem is no one told Hasselbeck the plans, and he refuses to let any Titan fan have fun for the last couple of games. He came out and announce to anyone who was listening that he is good to go for another mediocre performance this Sunday.
"Really Matt? Because it's fine if you want to take your time with this elbow injury, we won't mind." "No, I'm sure. I am good to go and gonna grit this one out, because that's what my fans deserve!" Uh, you don't have any fans Matt. Bottom Line : Tampa Bay +3.5 2 bombs!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
Jets-9.5 vs Buffalo: The NFL's favorite blowhard team, the NY Jets, suffered the ultimate humiliation last week by losing to Tim Tebow on national television. Rex Ryan was humbled when his suave, sinning quarterback could not beat the Saint from Denver with both arms tied behind his back.
Rex responded like any idiot who bit off more than he could chew, by getting mad at others for not being as good as he thinks he is. This week Ryan tried to scare his quarterback, Mark Sanchez, into believing he could be benched for the 41 year old broke back up, Mark Brunell.
Brunell took some snaps with the first team offense this week, and no one is happy about it. Not Sanchez, as he is reportedly barely on speaking terms with Ryan. Not Brunell, as he wants no part of actually playing in an NFL game with a role that is bigger than holding extra point attempts. Most importantly, not Ryan, as he even knows that nobody takes these meat head threats seriously when there are millions of dollars on the line.
EVEN WE CAN BEAT THE BILLS, RIGHT?
Luckily for the Jets, they get to take out a lot of this pent up frustration on a weakling that will actually listen to all of the New York bragging and fall in line. The Bills were the surprise of the first half of the season, and quickly got scared when they realized that making the playoffs were a possibility. Not being ready for that kind of embarrassment, they began to play like the Bills that we all know and love them as.
The Jets need to win so they can pretend that they are great again, and the Bills need to continue to realize that they are not supposed to win, ever. Bottom Line: Jets -9.5 5 Irish Car Bombs!!!!!
This was the week we were supposed to get back to NFL football. The Penn State situation should have slowed down and taken its dirty legal course. Usually, after a huge scandal breaks, there is the initial blast of media coverage and then all of the parties lawyer up leaving us to wait for months of calculated non incriminating statements. Not these scumbags. They planned on striking while the iron was still hot with nation wide rage against them.
Defensive Sodomist Jerry Sandusky began the week by doing a jaw dropping interview with Bob Costas during halftime of Monday Night Football. Sandusky came across as the creepy sociopath that he is, freely admitting to showering with boys and going after some in a sexual way. Two things were transparent after the interview, his guilt and his lack of understanding the meaning of the word "horseplay". I truly hope that his attorneys stick with the "horseplay" defense, it's kind of great in a disgusting horrendous way of course. "What happened in the shower that night?" ... "Horseplay, your honor...good old fashioned horses playing around. Yep, just a 60 year old man and a 10 year old boy playing in horse's fashion."
The real question is why would any lawyer allow this interview to happen in the first place? Obviously this dirt ball only wants as much exploitative attention he can seek and was sick and tired of his client being forgotten about for a couple of days as the villain. It was time for them to remind everyone that Sandusky is the true disgusting star of this filth show and no one else can compete. Sandusky's lawyer took action by throwing his client under the bus to incriminate himself on national television while being charmed by Costas' boyish Emmy winning good looks. Well done by all. Now lets squirm to the bombs.
Philadelphia +4.5 @ NY Giants:
Andy Reid likes to teach meaningless lessons. He especially enjoys them when him and his team is failing. Desean Jackson has been unhappy all year because he has been the most underpaid wide receiver in the league for years forced to play out his extended rookie contract. Reid had been waiting for a reason to punish him for shining light on the truth, and his chance came last weekend.
Desean & Andy playing a little grab-ass in happier times
Desean missed a special teams meeting when he over slept last Saturday morning. Desean Jackson's role in special teams is of extreme importance, he must wait once a month for when a team actually punts him the ball and then run in to the end zone with his world class speed. That was an important hour of work that Jackson blatantly missed that no one outside the punt team would have known if Reid didn't have lessons that needed to be taught.
Andy Reid taught a lot of people a lot of valuable lessons. First he taught the fans that there are special teams meetings on Saturday mornings. Next, he taught the remainder of the Eagles that he will take away one of their best players for a frivolous reason and sabotage their season in the process.
Finally, he taught Desean that the Eagles can't even beat the Arizona Cardinals with a back up QB at the helm without him so he probably should hold out out for even more money than what he is originally asking. It is called meta game and they know Reid is on their side. Lesson learned. Bottom Line: Philadelphia +4.5
3 bombs!!!
New England -15 vs Kansas City:
Bill Belichik faces one of his many ex assistant coaches in Todd Haley on Monday night. Haley is the lowest branch of the Belichik coaching tree that so many franchises have been ruined. Ah, the coaching tree. They occur when a great team wins multiple championships and other teams raid every assistant coach on their staff in attempt to get in on the winning.
Haley is part of Belichick's not-so-stellar coaching tree
The Bill Walsh coaching tree was the first, after he won 3 Super Bowls with the 49ers. He also had Joe Montana and Jerry Rice, but that was besides the fact. Someone had to call those genius plays of throwing Rice the ball for 4 yards and allowing him to run for the additional 85. One of those brilliant branches was Mike Holmgren. After Green Bay hired Holmgren and won a Super Bowl, because they had Brett Favre, trees began to sprout throughout the league. Every intern that was ever once associated with Holmgren got a head coaching job in the NFL.
The Belichik tree has produced so many failures at rapid speed, mainly for one reason, they can't bring Tom Brady with them. Todd Haley was never even a coach for the Patriots, he ran the video department. Which basically means, besides being in charge of spying on other teams practices, he got to watch a lot of great video of Tom Brady throwing touchdowns. This Monday he will get to watch in person Tom Brady out coaching Tyler Palko on the field. Bottom Line: Patriots-15
2 bombs!!!
St. Louis -2.5 vs Seattle:
As the season winds down, these type of unwatched meaningless games pop up on every slate of Sunday football. Games like Seattle vs St Louis and Jacksonville vs. Cleveland seem to be playing every week for months.
Randy Cross calling a game is never a good sign for either team involved
The Rams and Seahawks have played each other 7 times already and are scheduled for at least 4 more before the season ends. No one notices but announcers Ian Eagle and Randy Cross. It is all part of the script of the NFL to fill up highlights for their year end blooper reels and next years NFL Films team diaries.
The team diaries that play on a loop in August a week before the season starts is meant to get fans of every team excited for the upcoming year. It recaps the whole season in about 25 minutes. It does not matter how bad the team was last year, the diary makes them look amazing. Usually they are titled "Heart of a champion" or "Looking forward". When half of the show is dedicated to the unsung heroes of the kicking team, it is usually a bad sign.
It is more of a testament to the great work of NFL Films, which is basically showing everything in slow motion while having some God-like Voice over talk in enormous superlatives. Two years ago, the diary of a mediocre Seahawk team was just showing a slow motion play of a pulling tackle accompanied by this narrative: "There are 3 certainties in life, death, taxes and positive yards when you run behind tackle Walter Jones!"
The highlights look better when the team is at home, so... Bottom Line: Rams -2.5
2 bombs!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation Game of the Week:
Atlanta-6 vs Tennessee:
Atlanta lost in overtime last week to the Saints when head coach Mike Smith decided to go for a 4th and 1 when Atlanta was on their own 30 yard line. Every ESPN pundit and meat dope all agreed that it was a huge mistake that was inexcusable. Every statician says it was the absolute correct decision that gave them the best chance to win. Meat Heads not impressed with math.
Be... aggressive! B-E...
They are right in calling it a bad decision, but not for why they think it is. It is a bad decision, because fans think like they do and it is literally the only call that can get a coach fired the next week. We have no idea about the nuances or complexities of the plays being designed in modern offenses or defensive schemes. But if a team goes for it on 4th down and does not make it, then that is our cue to yell, "What an idiot!"
Bill Belichik goes for fourth downs more than any other coach for a simple reason, he never played football. He is not dumb and believes that math is smarter than Sal in section 650 with the bird's beak painted on his face. Coaches make decisions with one goal, not to get fired and talked about all week on talk radio. Mike Smith was smart last week and paid the price of being called stupid when the exception to the rule occurred. This week those sissy numbers balance out. Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Atlanta -6
5 bombs!!!!!
It would be difficult to not mention the mess that was Penn State this week. There is no need to bring up the details of the horrible story at this point, but there is plenty of room to take on the analysis of the dual outcries. When a sports story explodes to a huge national news story, and has an extremely sensitive subject, the meat heads in suits become overwhelmed.
Both sides prefaced their fury with a catchphrase in hopes of adding validity to their perspective. The one side, people who are against an institution covering up a decade of child rape, like to begin their points with, "As a parent...I am outraged" Well, thank goodness Matt Millen told us he was a father first, or we wouldn't have believed one word of him being against child molestation. Initially we didn't think he had a leg to stand on coming out against the serial activity of heinous sex crimes.
I do not have children of my own, so of course I am indifferent to this kind of activity and need to be reminded that it is a bad thing. It never "hit home" with me, as I am not even sure what kids look like or if they exist at all.
The countering phrase that the pro-"concealing of a sexual predator" side used to help break the ice was, "Well, first our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims". It is safe to assume that the Penn State students were not thinking of the now adult victims in therapy from being molested as they turned over TV vans and rioted when Joe Paterno got fired. If their first thoughts were really about the victims, then they would have rioted when that news came out 4 days earlier and not when they heard that Papa Joe Pa got canned.
It is pointless to get upset over the students rioting over Paterno's firing, however, or even ask why they are doing it. Of course it's classless, but it is what college kids do. They are young and they go outside to yell, fight, destroy, drink, fuck and vomit. Osama is dead? Let's go outside and fuck! Joe Pa got fired over the phone? Let's go outside and fight! Lee Corso is on the quad wearing a mascot head? Let's go outside and fuck and fight! They simply can't believe how amazing it is to be 19 years old.
Penn State has always been a secluded rural bubble where they live by their own rules that is sheltered from the real world. When the bomb of the Sandusky story dropped last weekend, they were undeterred. Their version of crisis management was hilarious. Initially the school stated they were "troubled" with the allegations, as they rubber stamped off a standard press release. Kids getting raped in your locker room showers "trouble" you Penn State? We think you might have to hire a bigger PR firm for this one.
They initially tried to hold their weekly scheduled press conference by asking the media to keep the questions football related. Of course CNN did not send a Brown graduate to Happy Valley to come back with a story on Nebraska's spread offense, so they were not going to oblige.
Want me to turn it up?
That is the reason why Penn State finally did fire Paterno. It was not because they were outraged at their own erroneous actions, but the newly hired PR team realized that Joe Pa is untrainable in front of a microphone. He is going to answer questions, be it on his lawn or at the 50 yard line to Erin Andrews. It can be about the rotating quarterback system or good old fashioned sauna horseplay with a 60 year old defensive coordinator and a 12 year old boy. People in their eighties are not media savvy nor do they care, they are well past the age of lying or even remember how to do so.
Now on to where my thoughts and prayers always lie, this week's bombs!
Philadelphia -?? vs. Arizona:
It really has been a great week for the Philadelphia media and its city of miserable cynicism. Nothing excites them more than when everything is terrible, and last week things got real bad, or good.
Penn State was a team the papers always had to cover because they were technically in their state, but neither accepted the other as their own. It pained writers to drive past Harrisburg to who knows where to watch another dull Nittany Lion game under Pope Paterno and be forced to write about tradition, values and field goals. Now their EZ Pass is lighting up like a Parx casino slot machine.
On the same Monday Night where the Eagles were underachieving yet again in a loss to the Bears, Joe Frazier died. The news of the Philly and boxing legend's passing was not a total shock due to ESPN breaking the story that he wasn't doing well 3 days earlier. They constantly scrolled across their news ticker, "Joe Frazier is about to die!" right along with their NHL scores for the night. That must have been a great feeling for him, lying in his hospital bed and having to see that he has no chance to live on the television.
Two of Philly's True Legends
Local media was furious that ESPN didn't even give them the pleasure to shock their own readers with Fraziers death. So it led to defiant articles like, "if anyone can battle cancer and fight, its 'ol Smokin Joe". Like the cancer and the imminent deterioration of his body organs can just be knocked clean by a trusty blue collar left hook.
Philly is often made fun of for having a statue of the fictional character Rocky in their city but not of an actual boxing hometown hero, like Frazier. It is not like Philadelphia constructed a bronze Rambo after a vote in City Hall. Sylvester Stallone left it behind as his egotistical "non-gift" gift after filming his movie there. It is a much smaller, guido version of the Statue of Liberty. Philly does not know what do with it, as it changes locations every 5 years, but they can't get rid of it either or the tourists would riot. Statues should only be for movie characters anyway, no real person could take the ego ride of being a false idol that pigeons shit on.
There is no line as of now, for Vegas is waiting upon the playing availability of ex Eagle and starting Arizona QB Kevin Kolb. If he does not play, the spread should be around 10.5 but if he does it could balloon up to 14. Either way, the whole city of Philly thrives when misery surrounds them.
Bottom Line: Eagles -??
3 bombs!!
Jacksonville -3 @ Indianapolis:
This Colts team is bringing us all back to the good old days of the 80s when teams used to completely fold up shop and quit well before the halfway point of the season. Who could forget the old NFL Films blooper reels with New Orleans (s)Aints fans wearing paper bags over their heads with tears drawn down the face? It is a wonderful and refreshing gesture to Indianapolis and NFL fans alike.
When a team quits on a season, it frees up so much time and space for their fans to properly prioritize their lives and actually enjoy the game. Teams ultimately disappoint, but when there are expectations, it leads to hostile resentment and neglected families. Without the pressure of a game being in the balance, fans can come to the stadium with a free spirit and delve into their creative sides in how to show their displeasure. Fathers invite their daughters to get out their crayons and gleefully come up with an "Addai and go to hell Coach Caldwell" poster.
These current fans have been spotted at games with customized Andrew Luck Colts jerseys, playing out the joke that they hope the Colts lose every game so they can get the #1 pick. I will not go as far as to say the Colts players are tanking in order to draft Luck, but the owner sure wouldn't mind.
Middle aged hilarity
It is a misnomer that the players have the best interest in the franchise. They care about the team they are on now and their teammates, for sure, but they do not have a grand plan to help out the next ten years of the Colts. Especially since half of them won't be on the roster next season. These Colts realize that their team has only been identified for the last 12 years as Peyton Manning. The rest of them are invisible and are free to quit with no consequences, because no one will remember who they were.
That is what makes this Colts team so special. It is a rare thing when the owner and the player has the same goal with completely different motivations. Neither side will get in each other's way to achieve the ultimate goal of futility. It truly is a radical. (bad callback also an 80s reference)
Bottom Line: Jaguars-3
2 bombs!!
Kansas City -3 vs. Denver:
Tim Tebow is currently in the Old Testament chapter of his playbook. His new mission is to beat teams before He arrives in your city. The preparation for the arrival of Tebow for an upcoming Sabbath day leaves one render less the game before.
Tebow is no longer interested in playing for himself and giving us a fish. Now he hands us a rod and reel and teaches us what lure works best in shallow ponds and demands that we walk His path.
We bow to Tebow's futility
If one prepares well enough by fully humbling themselves before Tebow enters your home, then one can step into the light and receive the eternal glories that are bestowed upon thee. If one decides to forsake the advice, then Saint H-Back will rectify. Simply put, if you lose before He comes, then you win once He leaves.
Two weeks ago the Raiders frolicked in a bye week of Hedonism which led to their demise to the Broncos. Oakland did not take the Word of His arrival the next Sunday seriously and had to pay the consequences.
Kansas City, however, was well aware of what was upcoming this Holy Day and they prayed for forgiveness last weekend by getting throttled at home to the winless Dolphins. The Chiefs were wise, and Tebow shall bless their heroic efforts of humility:
Bottom Line: KC Chiefs -3
2 humble bombs!!
Irish Car Bomb Detonation of the Week:
St. Louis +3 @ Cleveland:
Browns star running back Peyton Hillis is the anti-Tebow. He is also of an extreme religious faith, but the kind that can hole up himself and 40 followers with a violent standoff with the FBI in a tin shack in the woods.
Hillis became a star last year, with a breakout season showing a fierce, animalistic style of play that inspired fans to be devoted to him. He was a running back that was 3rd string in college, converted to Fullback in the pros and yet never gave up on being a starting tailback. When the Browns traded for him and gave him his shot, his running style seemed to exemplify that attitude. Hillis took on all defenders head first and tried to run through them as if they were all life's obstacles. That was last year.
This season, Hillis showed up like Ricky Vaughn in "Major League 2". He is complaining about money, blowing off kids charity events, and discovering new ways to keep himself out of games.
Hillis Badger don't give a Fuck
Before one game this year Hillis actually called in sick with strep throat like a teenager skipping school. He didn't stand in street clothes on the sideline with an injury, he actually phoned in an illness. How does one even call up a team to say they are sick like it's a normal job? Did he dial up the ticket office and do a fake sick voice? "Yea, hey, is this the Browns? Listen I can't make it in today, got a real bad strep throat, it might be mono, who knows? Don't worry, I got Montario to fill in for me, he knows all the plays and should be good to go. Okay, gotta go".
Veterans on the team actually staged an intervention with him last week to try to tell him what a jerk he's become and how is selfishness is effecting the team. He responded to that by going out to that days practice and pulling a hamstring, then immediately self diagnosing himself as out for 5 weeks. No need for a doctor, I know my body.
Hillis' followers now feel duped and want to escape this bunker in which he led them to. Sadly, the guy called to save them this week is 3rd string RB Chris Ogbonnaya, and they can only flee 1.8 yards at a time.
Bottom Line: Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week, St. Louis Rams +3
5 bombs!!!
