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I actually wore this shirt –my 1985 Super Bowl Champions Bears shirt– and
it created a semi-awkward moment at a bar last week that I’ve been meaning to share.
–A women who looked, at most my age yet, in all likelihood younger, approached me–
WOMAN: ”I just wanted you to know: I love your shirt! And I wanted to say,
I was at this bar when I watched that game!”.
I was amazed. Here’s this woman, who I thought to be –tops– 28, telling me
that she was old enough to have a beer in a bar in 1985.
ME: ”Wow. You’ve aged really well”.
CONFESSION: that is an atrocious response to an opening line, by a
woman. However, I was recovering from the single most inaccurate age guess of my life
(at the time) and all social abilities flew out the window, in a confused rush.
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WOMAN: ”Yeah, sure.” (said in mock encouragement).
–She then passes a dismayed “can you believe this
guy” look to her friend.–
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IMPORTANT FACTS
THAT I DID NOT KNOW
• This woman thinks my shirt is for the 2007 Bears team (that lost the
Super Bowl to the Colts). NOT the 1985 team.
• She has never heard of the 1985 team.
• It never occurs to me that she’s talking about the 2007 team.
Thus, she thinks I’m congratulating her on aging from an event that happened
less than three years ago. I think we’re talking about the year 1985 and am speaking
oddly nostalgic
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–She rolls her eyes again.–
I start to wonder why she’s so mad about a compliment on her aging. Even if it was
stated a little awkwardly- it was sincere.
That’s when it hits me: “she thinks I’m hitting on her!“.
…This, of course, is all wrong. She does not think I’m
hitting on her. She just thinks I’m crazy for talking about the year 2007 this way…
Also NOTE: through a series of unrelated misunderstandings, I incorrectly believe this woman is
my buddy’s boss.
Thus, I feel obligated to ‘clean up’ this misunderstanding and am refusing to just
shut up and walk away, until I feel the conversation has turned positive…
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ME: ”You know, I really meant that: you’ve aged great”.
–Her jaw nearly drops.–
WOMAN: ”What??”.
SEAN: ”Come on- you must know that. .. ..You know, not every thing a man says is a line”.
I start scratching my temple, during these final points, so she will see my wedding ring. I
think this will further assure her that I am not flirting
SEAN: ”Some things are just facts- some people age really well and you
happen to be one of them”.
–Now she just looks confused… I am talking about the year 2007 like I have been
in a space ship during the mean time and do not understand how humans have aged–
–Her friend walks over and joins us. He points to me–
FRIEND: ”Oh, great shirt, man”
–He looks as young as her. He then turns to her–
FRIEND: ”We saw that game here, remember?”
Jesus- there are two of them!
FRIEND: ”Where did you see it?” (to me).
SEAN: ”At my best friend’s sleep over”.
–They now think they are talking to the weirdest man on Earth. A full grown man who
still introduces people as “his best friend in the world” and says “sleeping over” rather than
“crashing on a couch”. –
Even I am starting to detect the strangeness. Every one is glancing at each other with squinted,
confused eyes, as though to say, “do you have any idea what’s going on here?”.
Luckily her friend then adds, almost in a near panic to change the topic
FRIEND: ”Rex Grossman really shit the bed in that one”.
Oh my God. They are talking about 2007. Worst yet, they think I’ve been talking about
2007, when, in fact, I’ve been talking about fourth grade. Fuck.
Screw it. I just gotta get out of here. I’ll probably just make things more confusing
if I try to explain the difference between the two Super Bowls to these guys.
SEAN: ”I have to go find my best friend”.
And I walked away.
I told my wife the story when I arrived home. “God you’re awkward with women”, she
said- “it could not have happened to any one else”.
She blames my awkwardness. I blame America’s
inability to read Roman numerals. If the NFL just started using regular numbers for the
Super Bowl (like every other company on Earth that releases more than five versions of
a product), all of this could be avoided.
NOTE TO DISCOVERY CHANNEL: if you switch the numbering
system for “Puppy Bowl” to standard Arabic numbers (rather than Roman numerals), I will
immediately consider you to be the most relevant game on that day
(this offer also extends to
Budweiser, should they choose to restart “Bud Bowl”, without Roman numerals).
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