A lot of websites and media outlets like to waste this week with their tired year in review pieces. It is an easy way to coast through the last week of the year by rummaging up old stories and assigning an arbitrary rank to its importance. It also gives their article a sense of greater importance, as the author can finally insert that perfect line they could not think of when the subject was first discussed. Basically, it's lazy bullshit.
When it comes to the last game of the regular season, 70% of the teams will be phoning in their performance, making the understanding of motivation of the utmost importance. That is why I took it upon myself to travel to the Mecca of lazy destinations to get into the mindset of the vacated NFL player – Mexico.
From the sand, booze, bikinis and $20/hr wifi, I am working hard to be lazy for these special year end bombs. Now, while Lance Briggs and Jared Allen might not have to sit through an 8 hour presentation on timeshares to get their all inclusive breakfast buffet, I'll save a hammock for them.
While it might not be the most creative vacation spot for millionaires, I definitely see the appeal it has to these meat heads. Besides the beautiful scenery that boasts calmness and rowdiness at the same time, it has something even more desirable. An extremely loose restriction law on obtaining pain killers.
Upon entering one Mexican pharmacy for research I came across a pharmacist who could not or would not speak a word of English to me, but he was extremely helpful. After a few rounds of pointless back and forth, he opened up an eighty year old drug reference book to peruse through. Once that ended, the good doctor flipped open the counter tray and invited me to browse through the back room to see if anything jumped out at me.
After passing on a few bottles that came with a needle scotch taped to the side of it, and the one with the tequila worm with X'd out eyeballs as its obviously FDA approved logo, I found my winner. Still not sure of its proper name, but I am certain I heard some scumbag reference it in an "Intervention" episode last year. Most likely it was in a Boston accent, they make the best druggies.
We both agreed that double the market price seemed fair for his VIP treatment and he gave me a final medical look as if to say, do not drink the water unless it is to wash down half a bottle of those numb biscuits.
If I emerge from this, only time will tell, but for now Happy bomb year to us all, and let's meet on the other side.
Dallas +3 @ NY Giants:
This huge prime time game is the really the only one this weekend that matters. Both the Giants and the Cowboys must win or their season is over, which means it is, gasp, a "big game"!
Tony Romo has the unfair perception of choking in "big games", even though he owns the highest 4th quarter QB rating of all time. The fact is he has not played in that many actual "big games", it just seems like it because he is on the high profile Dallas Cowboys.
Romo's Big game performances have been unforgettable
His two memorable playoff meltdowns were when he dropped a hold on an extra point in a loss to Seattle and when he threw a desperation interception to the eventual champion Giants. Dropping an extra point snap is bad, but in his defense it was more Bill Parcells being a prick by still making him hold kicks as the starting quarterback than anything.
Romo has learned from his ways and figured out the game in how to meet the absurdly lofty expectations that comes with being the quarterback for America's team – keep me low.
In a stroke of PR genius, Romo has kept all expectations from him at a minimum because of his trumped up hand injury. Last week, Romo hit his throwing hand on the helmet of an Eagle defender, which did no bone damage but caused natural swelling.
Romo took himself out of the game and positioned himself in front of every camera he could find to flaunt his over swollen hand. It was so ballooned up that it did not seem natural. He must have saved some collagen injections from when he was dating Jessica Simpson and juiced it up at halftime to Hamburger Helper proportions.
Now that no one expects Romo to win, this is where he can shine (until the playoffs, that is).
Bottom line: Cowboys+3
3 bombs!!!
Detroit -3 @ Green Bay:
One of the weakest arguments for final week motivation, is seeding. Teams like Detroit are usually too ecstatic to actually make the playoffs to even know the importance of who they will play. Except for this year.
The Lions are playing for the #5 seed which will mean one thing, avoiding New Orleans in the first round. Nobody wants to play at New Orleans right now, it is a Mardi Gras buzz saw that leaves opponents raped like the media made up about Katrina victims seeking shelter in the Superdome. (honestly, that was a media joke, not a rape or hurricane bit; thoughts and prayers people)
The Packers don't want THIS to happen again
The Packers enter this mop up game with #1 seed locked up, and only have to play for nonsensical vague concepts like "momentum" and the "integrity of the game".
If the league was really concerned about the integrity of the game, then it would abolish the money making pre season. Momentum is equally laughable in football, where games are played six full days apart. Guess what kills momentum more than resting starters? Injured starters.
The Packers have one goal this week, keep the greatest quarterback on the planet healthy. Green Bay will wisely rest MVP Aaron Rodgers and a handful of other starters this Sunday.
It is true that the Packers are an extremely deep and talented roster that makes them champions. It is also true that their roster becomes worthless if Rodgers gets hurt.
It is not the Packers fault, it is the way thee league is set up now. There are a 5 or 6 elite quarterbacks on the planet, and if a team does not have one, they are screwed... see the Colts.
Bottom line: Detroit -3
2 bombs!!
Tampa Bay +11.5 @ Atlanta:
By the time the Lions game is over, Atlanta will know their destiny of having to play at New Orleans for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. Even if the Packers somehow win, Atlanta has a strange attraction to losing to the Saints, so they will look forward to their 12th attempt at revenge.
The key motivation angle in this matchup is on the other sideline with Tampa Bay, the playing for the coach one. Sometimes players will rally at the end of a failed season to save their coach's job in a last ditch effort to make up for their own bad play.
"I wouldn't fire me... not in this economy"
This is not the case with Buc's coach Raheem Morris. The players want him to go, proving this by losing their last 9 games in comical blowouts. Morris has realized this and took a rarely used aggressive tactic to keep his job.
The young coach has combatted reporters, thrown his players under the bus, and even stated that he would not fire himself if he was the owner. It is the new Donald Trump "Apprentice" method of keeping a job one does not deserve.
That show is great, because it teaches people how to be an asshole in the work place and place blame on others. No better lesson can be learned than watching Trump belittle a Tropicana model for being a team player and volunteering herself to be fired instead of her teammates she is trying to fight for.
Sorry Meatloaf, this week Raheem Morris will Star Jones himself into another season of an undeserved gig.
Bottom Line: Tampa Bay +11.5
2 bombs!!
Mexican drug cartel tequila bomb of the week:
San Diego + 3 @ Oakland:
The last false motivational themed game is when one team is playing another that "has to win". This is the case where the Raiders, who somehow are still playoff eligible, simply must win this game to keep hopes alive.
Fist bump! It's my going away party, bitchezzzz!!!!
We all must do a lot of things before the year ends, but that does not mean we are going to. We must start living right and hit the gym this final week to really get our money's worth for our yearly membership.
Come the first quarter the Raiders will hit up Bally's with full confidence that they are turning things around. When the second half rolls around, or Thursday, they will be extremely sore and perfectly content with not being a model.
The Raiders have played in a lot of must win games all season, this just happens to be the last one.
Mexican drug cartel tequila bomb of the week: Chargers +3
5 tequila bombs!!!!!
Last Week: 2-2 ( +2 bombs )
Year to date: 33-28-3. (+ 28 bombs )
Game of the week: 10-4-2
by admin
