Christmas time does not have the same excitement it did when we were children. The gifts are not for us anymore, there are no GameBoys or Cowboy & Indian figures to look forward to under the tree. Now, it is a costly obligation that we hope to get over with as quickly as possible.

It still is a great season where we can reflect and try to be with the people we love, but it doesn’t contain the same sense of hope that we were fed at an earlier age. We used to believe in wonderful magical people every December, like Santa Claus or Jesus. Now we know that if there is a an obese elderly man with a white beard that allows children to sit in his lap, he is more likely to write for the Philadelphia Daily News and molest our kids than fit through a chimney.

DO NOT SIT ON THIS SANTA'S LAP

When one starts to apply facts and science to the story of Jesus, it seems pretty silly that we never get ridiculed for still believing in him once we reach our teen years. The difference is , unlike with the Santa story, there is never the asshole kid who runs around the playground telling everyone that Jesus isn’t real and it’s only a story that everyone’s parents made up. With the story of Jesus, parents continue the lie until their deathbeds and the world chimes in that we shouldn’t listen to that motherless bastard Scott from 3rd grade.

Basically, the difference between those that are worshiped on the religious level to those who perform incredible acts is abstinence. If one does the impossible, like walk on water, rise from the dead, or run option in the NFL, he might be related to God so long as he doesn’t fornicate. David Blaine has those same levetation skills and can turn water into the Ace of spades tricks, but he is a creep who uses his powers for dark, dark, sex.

The point is, that Christmas is here- and because it falls on a weekend this year we get a full slate of NFL games on Saturday! By the way, Jesus is aware that I am joking and is completely not bothered by this. I emailed his people a heads up before this article was published, and he said its fine- Denver is a trap game this week, and Merry Bombs to us all!

NY Jets -3 vs NY Giants: If one was not already aware, New York City is the most important thing in the world. Everything that happens there is better than whatever it is we are doing right now. Enjoying a slice of pizza? Well, it would be a lot better if we were eating it at Ray’s in New Yawk. Hey Bejing, nice try eating that slop over there, everyone knows real Chinese food can only be found in the Big Apple.

This week’s battle between the two New York teams that will be played in both team’s home stadium in New Jersey, is the greatest example of what New York does best, talk arrogantly. The game is hyped as who will be the King of New York, or who will be a .500 team.

The game is important for playoff standings, only because both teams have choked down the stretch and are limping into this all important battle for Broadway. New York is important in the sports world, because they are loud and annoying. Both teams, and their huge media contingent, are shocked when they realize that Super Bowls just can’t be bought like everything else can in New York.

Whenever a player fails in New York, the go to excuse that media uses is that the player can not handle the “big stage” of New York City. Yeah, those lights are a bit too bright for that small town Mark Sanchez, he’s just not used to the show. Sanchez was a 21 year old star in Los Angeles at USC when he won the Rose Bowl. He constantly dates gorgeous super model after the next. Mark Sanchez can handle the media attention, New York just can’t handle that maybe he is not that good.

NEW YORK IS BIG

The good news for the Jets this week, is that they are playing a team that thrives on the same philosophy as them, empty talk. The Giants have no choice but to engage in the hype of this game and they have tried to battle with Rex Ryan and his Jets in a war of words all week. Bad move. No body is better at pointless bragging, than Rex Ryan.

The reason why the Jets and Giants have to constantly predict big things and talk huge games, is because the city loves Joe Namath. Namath’s story is legendary as he guaranteed a Super Bowl victory as an 18 point underdog 40 years ago. The thing is, Namath was drunk and poolside trying to screw hippie chicks when he ran off his mouth- perfectly acceptable.

Jets will walk the talk on Christmas Eve and prove to everyone that if you can make it here you can make it to the 6 seed in the AFC. Bottom Line: Jets-3 3 bombs!!!!

Miami +9.5 @ New England: One of the best parts of the end of the season is when dissapointing teams get ancy and go ahead and fire their coach before the season actually ends. It is truly enjoyable because it sets up the great “interim” coach tenure.

The interim coach can really hurt one’s franchise. Sometimes they will reward a long time coordinator, who the players love, to finish out the string. This is currently happening in Kansas City with Romeo Crennel, and they are in danger of making the playoffs. That would be bad because the fans will pressure ownership to keep Crennel on as coach because he turned the team around, thus setting back the franchise another 6 years.

Sometimes, teams will annoint someone they know will have no chance of ever being hired, like some grizzled special team coach who has a metal hip, looks extremely uncomftorable in a suit, and just swears up a storm at his introductory press conference. It’s great to see them get their chance, maybe the boys win one for him, but then we get to forget about them. Interim coaches are basically the NFL’s version of Make-A-Wish foundation.

The Dolphins deperately want their team to rival their basketball counterpart, the Heat, as a sexy, star-studded destination team. Right now they need someone to hold down the fort before they get their star.

SOMEONE SAID I WAS THE COACH OF THE DOLPHINS

The Miami Dolphins found a perfect lame duck coach to fill in for the fired Tony Sporano, in Todd Bowles. Bowles is not a “football lifer” who has been waiting forever to get his shot at coach. He is a fairly young secondary coach and played pretty recently in the League. Bowles even admitted that there are 3 or 4 current coaches on the staff who would be much better candidates. Players speak as if they barely knew who he was, even after he led them to victory last week at Buffalo.

That is why he is perfect. Players like him, but they are not really going to listen to him. And that is great news for Bowles too, because he does not plan on telling them anything. He knows he has zero chance of becoming the Dolphins new pernament head coach, so he is just going to enjoy the front seat of the bus. There is nothing more dangerous than an uncoached NFL team. Bottom Line: Dolphins +9.5 2 bombs!!!

Atlanta +7 @ New Orleans: Poor Dan Marino. The Hall of Fame QB and ex-Dolphin great is about to have the only thing he still cares about ripped away from him- his passing records.

Marino never won a Super Bowl, but he is still able to live on as one of the all time greats because of his numerous passing records. Marino needs his records so he can continue to be a meathead in life and cash paychecks at CBS.

PLEASE DREW, I HAVE NO OTHER SKILLS

He is the kind of guy that must aimlessly walk the hallways while the staff does work to prepare for their weekly pre-game show, only to stop in to a cubicle to cropdust the intern. Marino’s days of playing grab ass and raving about the new Jeff Dunham DVD his kids bought him are in jeopardy.

I have never been a believer that a QB must of have won a Super Bowl to be considered great, except when it comes to Marino. Mainly, because it seems that Marino is so bothered by the fact, it seems like the perfect dopey argument for an idiotic debate. There is no way Jeff Hostettler or Trent Dilfer were better than Marino, but don’t let him know that.

Most of his all time records have been surpassed by either Peyton Manning or Brett Favre, and now he can only cling to his single season records. This too, will be destroyed by Drew Brees, as he only needs 318 yards to beat him.

Drew Brees is amazingly underrated as an elite QB, as he has consistently put up Brady and Rodgers type numbers for six consecutive years now. Luckily for Dan, Brees is known for being a hell of a humanitarian and will still answer Marino’s unwanted text messages.

Brees knows that he has 2 games to break Marino’s record, and he will be the nice guy that he is known for, and not ruin Dan’s Christmas by killing his legacy on Monday Night. Bottom Line: Atlanta +7 2 bombs!!

IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:

Minnesota +6.5 @ Washington: Speaking of ruining the holidays, there is nothing more that Grinch Shannahan enjoys for his Redskins to do. It seems like every season, Washington starts off with some hope, and immediately tail off, only to rally to play the coveted “spoiler” role”

Most teams begin training camp, spewing the tired line that their only goal is to “win the Super Bowl” and everything else would be a failure. The Redskins realize the absurdity of such lofty goals , and set their sights lower, destroying other pompous teams’ uncatchable dreams.

MIKE SHANAHAN WILL EAT YOUR CHRISTMAS DREAMS

Shanahan sets up his roster with a plethera of mediocre talent that is interchangeable, so it can remain fresh for the home stretch of the year. When this season seemed to be getting off track, and Washington threatened to actually take down the very winnable NFC East, he calmly benched his QB for John Beck and inserted 4th string running back Ryan Torain.

Now Rex Grossman and Roy Helu is back, and they continued their formula of upsetting the Giants last week in an attempt to knock them out of the playoffs. Next week, they might have an incredible opportunity to end the hated Eagles season for the 6th time this year.

This sets up the rare “spoiler sandwich” game this week, where their opponent, the Vikings, have no chance of making the post season. Washington realizes that the only way to ruin the Vikings season is to let them win and further hurting their draft position. You’re a mean one, Mr. Shanahan. Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Minnesota +6.5 5 bombs!!!

Last Week: 4-0 (+12 bombs)

Year to Date: 31-26-3 (+26 bombs)

Game of the Week: 9-4-2