The NFL season is a long grind where the weeks seem to bleed into one another. After 3 months of battling, we enter the part that matters, "December football". December football is cold and tough, nothing like those fake games teams were just fooling around with during the last 13 weeks. In December, conditions are so dire that teams are forced to inch out every yard in a frozen state of championship grudge matches.
Oh man, those analysts love talking about what a different brand of football December football has to be. According to the media, all of the world class talent and sophisticated pass offenses will be useless at the first sight of snowfall.
The League is completely different now, where one must throw the ball to win, and somehow Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady still find ways to use their Hall of Fame arms in colder weather. It is always hilarious to me when teams plan their offensive philosophy around what the average temperature in their city is in December and not the actual talent that they possess.
TALENT IS MEANINGLESS ON ICE
That is why Tim Tebow's victories still anger people, not because he runs, but because he does it in October. Take advantage of the sun Tim, and throw the ball.
Another thing people do is handicap games with the city in mind. "No way can those boys from Tampa Bay play in the frozen tundra, they're gonna get killed". Yes they will, but it will be because the Packers are a much better team. Nobody is from Green Bay. The players don't work in the Packing Houses in Milwaukee and then play on Sundays for the company. Everyone in the League is from Florida, California or Texas. They all hate the cold, but they are still going to play great football, and then get the hell out of that freezing city when the season is over.
Which does lead to one point that December football does bring up, and that is which team wants this miserable experience to be over with. It is difficult to judge as it can be a week to week thing.
Take the Buffalo Bills for instance. For some reason they decided to play an inspired game against the Jets 2 weeks ago because personal pride stepped in as they were sick of losing. They then followed that up by being terrible again last week at home as I'm sure the disgust set in of seeing their miserable fans braving the cold weather to simply watch them. The thought of having to live there for a full calender year terrified them and they made sure there would not be any chance of a playoff game that would extend their season.
The bottom line bombs hit the rookie wall and put in 2 consecutive very shameful winless weeks. Somehow, even after those 2 terrible setbacks, we are still on the plus side and can finish out strong. If only we can figure out...Decembahhh!
Seattle -4.5 vs. St. Louis:
Monday Night Football has been so awful this year, it seems to be daring "Murphy Brown" to come back to give it ratings competition. No matter how bad the match-ups have been this season (and they have been putrid) people will still watch it.
The NFL is challenging any network to have a show that will out-rate the Jaguars being on twice in a month. Last week ESPN admitted to not even flying a blimp to Jacksonville for their aerial coverage, and simply spliced in footage of North Carolina they had. I'm not even sure if last week's game was actually played, but I know people watched it.
PLEASE WATCH THE "SING OFF"
This Monday, two more bad teams will be playing, and the Rams are terrified of being seen. No one on St. Louis wants family and friends to know that they are on this year's pathetic Rams team, and the NFL's cruel joke of playing them on prime time is going to jeopardize that.
The Rams quarterbacks are fighting back the only way they know how, by trying their damndest to be inactive for the game. Sam Bradford and A.J. Feeley have both refused to practice all week with self claimed injuries. Sometimes they don't get their story straight and say they have each other's problem. "Knee? Elbow? Whatever, I just couldn't give it a go, looks like the owners booth for me on Sunday"
This angered the media, because now they had to do actual research on who was the 3rd string quarterback. The answer to that is apparently Tom Brandstater, exactly the kind of name one would think to be the third guy on a horrible team. If this guy actually exists, no one really knows, but the NFL doesn't care, because we will watch their story anyway.
Bottom Line: Seattle -4.5
3 bombs!!!
Oakland +11.5 @ Green Bay:
The Green Bay Packers are famous for many things in the League, mainly a proud tradition and its annoyingly naive Wisconsin fan base. Wisconsin is the ultimate mid western state of whiteness. From its dairy love, morbid obesity, and its bullshit politeness, it creates a uniquely annoying football fan.
The fans believe that not only is their team better than everyone else's (which sadly they are) but that their beliefs are on a higher level as well. They want to think their team is on a higher moral ground than the rest of the League, because the fans too, are part owners.
CEO OF THIS COMPANY
This is where the great history of the Packers and the extreme blind following of their fans come together in beautiful matrimony. The Packers remain the only publicly owned team in the NFL. Every 8 years or so, the real Packer ownership decide they need to upgrade their stadium. Instead of flipping the costly bill with their own money, they have a meaningless stock sale to raise money.
Last Tuesday, they sold 250,000 shares at $275 a pop to raise over $20 million for their renovation project. Normally when one buys a stock, it is an investment with chances of the value increasing or at least a dividend. What does one get with this purchased stock? Good question, investors. Well, one receives a piece of paper that declares you an "official team owner!" That's not all, we can also attend the annual stockholder meeting and get access to owner-only merchandise to purchase.
I once received a certificate from President Ronald Reagan when I was in grade school for Excellence in Athletic achievement for not skipping any gym classes one year. I am positive that Reagan signed it himself, and was very proud of my efforts. He only rubber stamped the other kids who got one. I was the winner, and it said so right there in writing. I was proud and obnoxious, but I was also 9.
I am all for being a bragging asshole, but there is no need to bring paperwork into the fray. I will not spend money to act like a jerk, that is all of our rights as Americans. That and violence. Here's to hoping some Raider fans make the trip to voice their displeasure with 90.000 owners.
Bottom Line: Oakland +11.5
2 bombs!!!
NY Giants +3.5 @ Dallas:
The Dallas Cowboys have been known for great trios throughout the years. During their dominance in the 90s it was famously: Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and Emmit Smith. Many say they were the best football triplets because of their varied personalities, yet ability to come together for the one goal of championships.
However, this year's Cowboy trio is equally as talented in achieving their goal, that being hilarious losses. The trio is owner Jerry Jones who writes the script, coach Jason Garret, director, and finally its slapstick player in Tony Romo.
JERRY IS LOOKING FOR HIS NEXT GREAT TRIO
Each week Jones complains about how his first year coach Garret is running the Cowboys offense. One week it is too risky, the next too conservative. It is what Jerry Jones does. He armchair quarterbacks after the fact and says his way is better, even if his way changes week to week.
Normally Cowboy coaches don't listen to him, but they make him happy by saying they will consider his tips until they get fired. Garret, however, is playing the comedy director position perfectly by actually listening to him and allowing Romo to play out the hilarity.
Last Sunday, with the game tied and a minute remaining, Garret tried all of the advice at once during the would be game winning drive. First he went with Reckless Romo, and that got Dallas down to the 34 yard line with 25 seconds remaining. Next, he went with careful Romo as he let the clock go down to 2 seconds, because he was terrified of asking him to get them the additional needed 10 yards for a safe field goal.
Finally, Garret stepped out on his own and decided to dial up his own bit by freezing his own kicker. He called a timeout the second before his kicker drilled the game winning kick, thus nullifying the victory.
Usually it is the opponent who tries to get in the kickers head by calling a timeout right before the play, forcing him to make it twice. Everyone usually screams how it does not work, because it gives the kicker time to set up and get in a practice kick.
The idea that it messes with the fragile kickers head is outdated, as modern kickers have become extremely good at their jobs. But what if your own coach goes for the freeze? Then what is he trying to say? Who knows, but it's hilarious.
Bottom Line: Giants +3.5
2 bombs!!
IRISH CAR BOMB DETONATION GAME OF THE WEEK:
San Diego -7 vs. Buffalo:
Norv Turner knows how to not make a scene and get kicked out of the party. The Chargers head coach has coached the most games in NFL history with a losing record, but he never gets fired.
Turner knows exactly the bare minimum required every season it will take to keep his job. He is basically what most Americans do every day at the office. Just enough work that it doesn't raise any red flags to the bosses, making sure the time sheets are filled out and getting in on time. Then he takes a nap in the bathroom for an hour.
WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
Every year the Chargers are acknowledged by all as having one of the most talented rosters on the League, and then accepted for failing to make the playoffs. Usually, the path Turner chose was to start the year off terribly and then catch fire having to play make up the rest of the way.
That way if they do fall short, he is not blamed because everyone remembers how great they played at the end of the year, so they are excited for the next season. He basically wins the last 30 seconds of the round, like Sugar Ray Leonard, to fool the judges into thinking he was trying the whole way.
This year, the bosses were on to his tricks, so Turner needed to switch things up a bit. So he decided to start the team off hot by going 4-1. Once expectations began to rise, Turner coyly tempered them down by going on a pathetic rare mid season 5 game losing streak.
Now is when Turner knows its time to get that report in early and make sure the boss sees his car in the lot an hour early. Time to blend into the party with some meaningless wins.
Irish Car Bomb Game of the Week: Chargers -7
5 bombs!!!!!
Last Week: 0-4 (-12 bombs)
Year to Date: 24-25-3 (+6 bombs)
Game of the Week: 7-4-2
by admin
