Gatorade’s website(above), where users can view research on the drink’s ‘performance benefits’ along with an extensive list of professional athletes who are “fueled” by Gatorade.
Why does Gatorade continue to market itself as a ‘performance booster’ to the fifty Americans still playing tackle football, when everyone I know purchases it as a hangover cure? Gatorade: your product is typically bought by a person still wearing a stamp from McSurly’s Tavern- you don’t need to rebuild the Six Million Dollar Man as a probowl quarterback in your commercials. I don’t care how many “sporting scientists” Gatorade employs, their beverage hasn’t been used in an athletic event by any one I know since fifth grade soccer. An immigrant clerk, with no exposure to America beyond a 7-11 cash register, probably thinks Gatorade is manufactured by Budweiser as alcoholic alternative to coffee, rather then a workout drink. I can’t, for example, run to firstbase without grasping for air, yet I probably consume more Gatorade then the Yankees. In fact, I absorb Gatorade so regularly when hungover, that you can virtually graph my alcohol consumption from the previous night, based upon how much Gatorade I bought, and when I bought it:
| Bottle | Jug | Powder |
 |
 |
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| If I purchased the small, ergonomic bottle, my hangover is rather mild and doesn’t require immediate attention. This item is rarely combined with additional purchases and is bought during the first commercial break. It implies that I stopped drinking by the third inning and was home by ten on the previous night. | Purchased from the nearest gas station, the moment I wake up. If I’m buying a jug, every promise I made before going out on the previous night has been broken. I have an easier time gripping a basketball then these containers and they are sealed tighter then pain killers, so –if I’m buying one– my throat isn’t even damp enough to swallow aspirin without it. This purchase implies that I probably spent last night ordering shots by nickname (”Need some So ‘Cos over here!”), left my final bar after failing to recognize a single person (despite starting the night with a group of 20 friends) and ate an item off every single section of the Waffle House menu. This article is invariably purchased with some heartburn medicine. | If I ever return with the powder used to make entire coolers, then the credit card is maxed-out, I have no idea where the car is parked and my cellphone is probably on a flight to Dallas. My body has at least one fake tattoo on it and no one can explain why my right elbow doesn’t work. This item is normally purchased after borrowing money from the stranger on my couch. It is rarely combined with other products, but, instead, phone calls to make sure my health insurance is active and my old roommate is still a lawyer. |
I am convinced, at some point in the future, a half-drunk advertising executive is going to recognize how often people buy Gatorade for hangovers and repackage the drink to outsell milk. If I owned a Blockbuster, I’d immediately offer a “hangover-IT!” option, which includes four Gatorades, a bottle of aspirin and pepperoni pizza with your rental. Plus, my Gatorade would be served in a pouch version, like Hi-C, so you can still open it after slamming your hand in a taxi door the previous night. Sure, Derrick Jeter would immediately resign as my spokesman, but I’d make enough money to buy IBM after Halloween weekend alone.
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